


Upside Down

by lightsandsparks



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bad Boy Connor, Bullying, Depression, Evan cries a lot, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Zolana, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, nerd Evan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2019-08-02 18:40:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 33,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16310606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightsandsparks/pseuds/lightsandsparks
Summary: Evan Hansen has a simple existence; wake up, go to school, avoid human contact, fail, get the shit beat out of him, repeat.Oh, and run an underground homework business from the anonymity of his off-brand cell phone. Simple.--Bad boy/Nerd AU





	1. Chapter 1

Evan Hansen has a simple existence; wake up, go to school, avoid human contact, fail, get the shit beat out of him, repeat. 

Oh, and run an underground homework business from the anonymity of his off-brand cell phone. Simple. 

Being the school nerd has a lot of advantages and disadvantages. 

Evan's reputation for being smart had followed him around since middle school, and for good reason. He's been on the honor roll for as long as he can remember. He doesn't think he's ever received a grade lower than a B, and even those are few and far between. The teachers never let that go unnoticed, constantly pointing out Evan's perfect grades and trying to make an example of him, much to his perpetual disdain. 

It wasn't long before the other kids started asking them for homework help and well, Evan was never really in a position to say no. At least people were talking to him, and at least they weren't threatening him into it. 

Once high school hit, that's when the requests stopped. Nobody wanted to be seen talking to him by then, not even for help with their homework. 

That didn't stop Jared, though. Despite the fact that he still refuses to talk to Evan at school, they're running a pretty profitable business monetizing Evan's brain and writing skills. "Family friends turned business partners", as Jared likes to remind him. 

It started out as Jared's idea, because of course it did. 

One day while helping him with biology homework Jared wondered out loud why Evan didn't tutor more people like he did in middle school. Evan reminded him that it was because nobody wanted to be seen with him, and then Jared reminded him that social media was a thing, and he could totally do it online. 

Evan had simply shrugged him off at first. People would have contacted him if they were interested in something like that, right? 

But the wheels in Jared's brain had obviously started turning. His proposal? An Facebook group where people could put in requests for Evan to do their homework for a fee. The entire transaction would be anonymous so people wouldn't have to worry about their reputation, and Evan wouldn't have to worry about getting caught. 

Jared created and maintains the group, so they agreed to split the profits in half. Evan never really saw that part as fair since he was doing infinite amounts more work than Jared, but he wasn't going to argue. Especially not since Jared was willing to put his name on the whole thing. He still spends half his days panicking that they're going to get caught either way, but at least if they do, Jared promised he'd take the fall. 

It's their second week of senior year and Evan is putting the finishing touches on some anonymous student's research essay, a task that would be a lot easier if he weren't nursing a migraine from having his head shoved against his locker earlier that day. 

A part of him can't help but wonder about the possibility that he's inadvertently doing the homework of the people that routinely insist on making his life a physical and mental hell. Part of him wants to ask Jared about it, but that would require admitting just how bad the bullying has gotten, although he has a feeling Jared knows and simply turns a blind eye. 

In the end, Evan needs the money, so he tells himself that ignorance is bliss in that regard. 

A message pops up on his gchat. 

**[Jared]:** are u gonna have that essay done by tomorrow bc this dude is literally breathing down my fuckin neck 

Evan scrubs his face and decides how to respond. To finish the essay in question tonight he'd probably have to pull an allnighter, or at least something close to it. It doesn't seem very practical given the fact that even four Advil haven't taken away the pain behind his eyes and he's already falling asleep on himself as it is. 

Then again, he still has four other assignment orders with a deadline of Friday, and it's already Wednesday night. 

**[Evan]:** Yeah. I'll email it to you by tomorrow morning. 

Jared simply sends a thumbs up emoji in response, and that's the end of that. 

With a inward groan, Evan gets up to make himself a cup of tea. It's going to be a long night. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: description of violence/bullying

The next day at school starts out in a blur. 

First of all, he barely got an hour of sleep last night, so it quite literally starts out in a blur. His head is still pounding and it feels like he's seeing everything through a fog. 

He did manage to finish that essay Jared had been bugging him about around 4am this morning though, so he considers that a win. 

Evan goes to his locker and quickly gets his things. He manages to make it to the warning bell without sustaining any injuries, which he considers another win. 

That's when he sees Connor Murphy coming straight towards him down the hall. 

Connor Murphy has always had a reputation that's followed him around since middle school. He skips class to smoke weed and rides a motorcycle. He talks back to teachers and is constantly getting in fights with other students. He's regarded as unstable, dangerous. Jared hates him, though Evan thinks he's probably just scared of him. Most people with survival instincts are. 

Especially Evan. He and Connor have never had any interactions; that is to say, he's not one of Evan's bullies, though Evan thinks that could change at the drop of a hat. He knows it's best to stay out of Connor's way, which is why he darts to the side of the hall, hunching his shoulders and hiding behind a group of girls as they make their way to class. 

He effectively manages to avoid Connor. Breathing a sigh of relief, Evan scurries like a scared mouse to his first period class, keeping his head down and trying to pretend like he doesn't exist. 

\-- 

Evan feels like he's on the verge of a breakdown. 

Throughout the course of the day, he's been given six new assignments from Jared, on top of the five new ones he'd been given from his teachers. One of the five include a presentation, and the entire world (or at least most of his classmates) knows how bad Evan is at public speaking. It's not due for another month but Evan is dreading it already. 

All of this on top of the fact that he's exhausted and starting to feel like he's getting sick, but he won't even have time for a nap when he gets home. 

"Watch it, you little fuck," a voice says and before Evan can even process it, he's being shoved into a locker. 

It's normal. Something he's grown accustomed to, but today it's the very last straw. He shrinks to the floor as the buzzing in his head becomes so loud he can barely hear his own thoughts. 

"Hey! Who the fuck do you think you are?" 

The new voice startles Evan so much that he snaps out of his panic-induced haze and looks up. 

Connor Murphy stomps down the hall and doesn't even hesitate before punching the guy that just shoved Evan square in the face. 

It happens so fast that Evan doesn't even register it at first. But soon the whole hallway is reacting, crowding around the two boys to see what'll happen next. 

Luckily, it doesn't turn into a fight. The kid that shoved Evan (he's not even one of his usual bullies - Evan doesn't know his name) is smarter than to mess with Connor Murphy. He just shouts something that Evan can't make out before walking away. 

Evan is still on the ground. He closes his eyes and tries to process what just happened. 

Did Connor Murphy really just defend him? 

"You okay?" 

Evan opens his eyes to two worn, black combat boots planted in front of him. He looks up and almost falls backwards. Connor is looking down at him with a hard, angry expression, but his voice had been light and almost… comforting. 

"Yeah." 

"Well, get up then." Connor says before offering a hand. 

Evan tentatively takes it before being tugged upwards. 

Is this some kind of trap? 

"Thanks for, uh… for that." 

"Yeah. That's kid's a dick. We go way back. I've been wanting to do that for a while now." 

Evan just nods. 

"Anyway, I should get out of here because I'm sure a teacher is gonna show up here any second. See you around." 

  
And with that, he's gone. 

\-- 

Evan decides against the bus and walks home. He needs time to think about what happened, though he finds that there isn't much to think about. 

Connor Murphy defended him against one of his tormentors for no reason other than the sake of it. 

Did he really, though? It sounded more like Connor just wanted an excuse to punch someone he didn't like. Maybe it had nothing to do with Evan at all. 

  
Still, it was kind of nice. Connor will probably get detention or suspended or maybe he'll finally get expelled after years of displaying behavior like that. He didn't have to do that, and especially not for someone like Evan. 

Maybe Connor just genuinely doesn't care. 

It's actually pretty impressive. 

**[Jared]:** dude I heard what happened with Murphy this afternoon what the hell i don't get it  
  
**[Evan]:** Yeah, me either 

**[Jared]:** he really punched someone for you? that's what everyone's saying  
**[Jared]:** you two fuckin or something 

  
**[Evan]:** Oh my god no. I don't even know him. I think he just wanted an excuse to punch someone 

**[Jared]:** yeah that makes more sense. i bet you're next 

Evan sighs. Jared has this way of making him feel worse about situations that he already feels horrible about. He doesn't even know why he tells Jared about his problems sometimes, but to be fair Jared found this one out on his own. 

Evan doesn't reply. 

Somehow, the next day of school starts out even worse than the day before. 

On top of sleep deprivation and a migraine, Evan definitely has a small head cold. He doesn't have to wonder how that happened - he hasn't exactly been taking good care of himself lately. He would've considered staying home if he didn't have his perfect attendance to worry about. 

He's completely and utterly miserable. 

Evan manages to get through most of the day in one piece. Until lunchtime. 

All he had wanted to do was go to the bathroom and blow his nose. It's gross blowing your nose in front of other people, so he makes the mistake of going into an isolated bathroom on the third floor for some privacy. 

No sooner does he walk in that he realizes he's just been followed. 

"Hey, Hansen. Ready for your daily bread?" 

It's Roz, the guy that tortures him the most on a daily basis. Evan knows he's about to get the shit beat out of him and there's nowhere to run, so he stiffens his shoulders and waits for the first punch. 

It doesn't come; he's slammed up into the wall instead, his face being smashed against the tile wall painfully. 

"You and your asshole friend got my boy detention yesterday. You should've just kept your mouth shut because now you're gonna pay the price for both of you." 

"But I didn't-" 

"Shut the fuck up, Hansen." 

Even if he wanted to, Evan wouldn't be able to speak because the next thing he knows, all the air is being knocked out of him by a punch to his gut. He wants to curl in on himself from the pain but his face is still being grinded against the wall. 

Evan can feel himself start to dissociate - a common occurrence when he's getting beat up. His mind leaves his body and it's like he's floating above the room, watching the scene unfold before him. 

Unfortunately, he can still feel pain in this state so he braces himself for the next punch. 

It never comes. 

The hand on his head releases, and Evan opens his eyes, trying to predict what Roz is going to do next. He's shocked however, to find Roz has turned around completely. 

Connor Murphy is there. Again. Walking straight up to Roz before punching him right in the jaw. 

This time, Evan isn't so lucky as to be spared from watching a fight. Connor and Roz go at it, and Evan almost wants to run, but. 

It's kind of fascinating to watch Connor fight. 

Yes, Connor is tall, but he's kind of scrawny and lanky. Roz is on the football team, so naturally he's large and muscular. That doesn't seem to matter though, because Connor is holding his own. So much so that eventually, Roz seems to admit defeat before storming out of the bathroom with a promise that "this isn't over." 

Evan believes it. He shrinks to the floor before bursting out into tears, the familiar beginnings of a panic attack starting to take its chokehold.   


"Oh my god, really?" 

Evan sees Connor move towards him through his half open eyes. 

"You don't have to cry about it. You're fine, right?" 

That just makes Evan cry harder, breath coming in short gasps and brain fogging over. 

Then, Connor does something that shocks and almost scares Evan. He sits down next to him on the dirty bathroom floor. 

It takes a few minutes for Evan to catch his breath enough to speak. "You- you need to stop doing that." 

"What? Saving your ass? You're welcome, by the way." 

"No!" Evan coughs, tripping on his words as always. "Thank you. I really do appreciate it. But the whole reason he came after me is because of what happened yesterday." 

Connor huffs. "Okay. From now on I'll just let you get your ass beat every day. Fine by me." 

"I've been dealing with it long enough on my own…" 

"Yeah? And where has that gotten you?" 

Evan pauses. He has a point. 

"Look. Don't be flattered. I hate those guys, and I got out of being suspended yesterday when I told the administration I was just helping you. I'm happy to keep letting you be my excuse to give them what's coming to them if you are." 

Evan considers, but he can't help but be scared. Roz's words " _this isn't over"_ are stillechoing in his head. 

"I won't let them fuck with you anymore. Promise." 

"But-" There are many flaws to this plan that Evan can think of, but one stands out the most. "You skip all the time. What if they gang up on me when you're not here? Besides, there's only one of you and like, a lot of them." 

Connor shrugs. He reaches into his pocket and casually pulls out a cigarette, lighting it up right there in the bathroom and taking a long drag. Evan resist the urge to hide his nose and mouth under his shirt. 

"Guess I'll just have to teach you to defend yourself, then." 

"Oh god no, you wouldn't want to do that. I'm useless when it comes to fighting and punching and that kind of thing." 

"You won't be when I'm done with you. Meet me out back of school after the last bell and I'll show you a thing or two." 

Evan doesn't really have a choice at this point. "Okay. I'll see you then." 

Connor takes another drag of his cigarette before standing, stomping it out on the floor and leaving it there. "Later, Hansen." 

It doesn't hit Evan until after he's left the bathroom that Connor Murphy knows his name. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for violence/descriptions of blood/bullying

Evan isn't sure what makes him show up out back of the school that day. 

Maybe it's the promise that he'll finally be able to learn how to defend himself. Maybe it's the fear that if he doesn't, Connor will kick his ass too. 

Or maybe it's the fact that Evan is perhaps just a little intrigued by Connor Murphy. 

He has a reputation for violence, so naturally that made Evan think he would be mean as well. But so far, he hasn't been. He's actually been pretty… nice, all things considered. He's rough around the edges, sure. But he isn't a monster like some people at their school would lead you to believe. 

Evan finds Connor by the dumpsters. Bad memories of being picked up and thrown into them frequently during his freshman and sophomore year when he was even smaller than he is now come flooding back. For a brief moment Evan wonders if that's what Connor has planned, but he shakes it off. 

"Hey," Connor greets, putting out the cigarette that Evan has just noticed he'd been smoking. "Didn't think you'd show." 

Evan laughs at that. "Neither did I." 

"Well, you're here now. That's what's important. You ready for this?" 

For the next half hour or so, Connor teaches Evan how to throw a punch. It's a lot more complicated than Evan ever realized. It isn't just about making a fist; there's a certain way to stand, a certain way to angle your body. Evan throws punches at Connor's arm and Connor corrects him until he claims they actually start to hurt. 

"Okay, now punch me in the face." 

"What?!" 

"Come on, Hansen. I can take it. I gotta make sure you're ready." 

"But I don't want to hurt you…" 

"I've been through worse. If it makes you feel better just punch me in the jaw. But like I said, you wanna aim for their nose." 

"Okay…" 

Evan does as instructed. 

"Okay, wow," Connor says, rubbing his jaw. "That… really wasn't bad. You're stronger than you look." 

"Oh god, I'm sorry. Did I hurt you? I really am sorry, I didn't mean to-" 

"Shut up, Hansen. That's the whole point. Now, let me show you how to do an uppercut." 

They practice a little longer, and Connor even attempts to show Evan what to do if he gets ganged up on. Evan isn't sure he'd actually be able to hold his own in a situation like that, but at least he has some tools now to avoid getting his ass kicked completely. 

"Thanks for this," Evan says from inside Connor's car. Connor has surprised Evan again by offering to give him a ride home. "Not just for the ride home but for, like. Helping me and stuff." 

"Don't mention it." 

Everything inside of Evan screams for him to be quiet after that, but there's a pressing question on his mind that he can't ignore. "Can I ask you something?" 

"Go for it." 

"Why did you defend me yesterday in the hallway? You didn't have to, you know. Do that." 

"I told you already. I hate that guy and needed an excuse to knock him out." 

"But you get in fights all the time…" 

"Hansen, I told you not to read into this shit." There's a bite to his words and Evan finally takes his cue to shut up. 

There's an awkward silence that Connor luckily breaks. "I guess felt sorta bad for you. You're kind of helpless, you know that? You get the crap beaten out of you and you don't even defend yourself." 

Evan doesn't reply. He's too busy thinking about the fact that Connor had noticed him. 

Nobody ever notices Evan. He's pretty sure most people in the school don't even know who he is, but somehow Connor noticed Evan getting beaten up and not doing anything to fight back. How embarrassing. 

"But," Connor continues. "That's all about to change. Like I said, now that you throw a pretty decent punch, maybe those guys will start to back off." 

Evan highly doubts it, but it's a nice thought. 

Unfortunately, Evan doesn't get a lot of work done that night. 

He can't stop thinking about Connor, and he's not sure why. 

There's still a part of Evan that's worried that this is all some kind of elaborate plan to humiliate him. Maybe Connor is a co-conspirator of his bullies and they're all planning to gang up and brutally murder him. 

Something in Evan's gut tells him that that's not true, though. Connor has put himself in harm's way multiple times for Evan even when he didn't have to. 

They barely know each other, and like Connor said, Evan is just an excuse for him to get into fights, but somehow Evan trusts him. 

Evan is jogged from his thoughts by a notification coming through on his gchat. 

**[Jared]:** just got another order  
**[Jared]:** an essay and pre-calc homework. u can handle that right?  
  
The question is pretty much phrased as a statement and it makes a swell of anger rise up in Evan. 

**[Evan]:** I don't know. I have a lot on my plate already, Jared  
  
**[Jared]:** you'll be fine  
**[Jared]:** but if it helps, i'll cap the orders here until next week  
  
Actually no, Evan doesn't think that he will be fine, but unfortunately he's a perpetual pushover. Besides, capping the orders is a pretty good deal that Evan doesn't want to risk passing up. 

**[Evan]:** Fine, I'll do it  
  
**[Jared]:** that's the spirit. i'll forward u the deets from the fb group 

Evan scrubs his face and goes to make some more tea. He's in for another long and sleepless night. 

\-- 

Evan isn't sure what makes him do it. 

Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Maybe it was the remaining irritability he'd been holding onto since last night when Jared effectively walked all over him yet again. Maybe it was the fact that he actually knew what he was doing for once. 

All Evan knows is that one minute he was cowering in the corner of the bathroom and the next he's looking down at the bloody fist he just used to punch Roz in the face. 

Unfortunately, neither Connor or Evan accounted for Roz fighting back. Which was really stupid, in retrospect. 

Roz only gets in one good punch to Evan's nose before Connor is barging through the bathroom door. The altercation ends there. Roz leaves and Connor is looking at Evan like a shaking wet puppy he found outside in the rain. 

"God, I'm so sorry Evan. I never should have-" 

"Sorry?!" Evan pops up from his spot on the wall, thrusting his hand into Connor's face for him to inspect. "I did it! I actually fought back!" 

"Evan, you're bleeding. Look in the mirror." 

Evan turns around and is greeted with the gruesome sight of his red-covered face, blood gushing from his nose. 

He shrugs. "You saw the other guy." 

Connor cracks up at that. "I did. You got 'em good. Proud of you." 

For some reason, Connor telling Evan he's proud of him sends a feeling of warm satisfaction like nothing he's ever felt before rushing through his gut. He smiles. 

Wordlessly, Connor wets a few paper towels and unceremoniously starts wiping the blood from Evan's face. "Do you think it's broken?" 

"Nah, it doesn't hurt that bad." 

"I meant Roz's nose. He was gushing blood, too." 

"Oh. Uh, maybe! I punched him pretty hard." 

"I can tell. Your fist looks like it's going to bruise." 

He sounds… concerned. 

"I'm okay, Connor." 

"I know you are. I just… what if I hadn't gotten here in time? You've only had like, one lesson and that guy is a lot bigger than you." 

Evan bristles at that. "Then I would have punched him again!" 

"And then he would have broken your jaw." 

"So what! At least I'm not completely defenseless anymore. They know I'm going to fight back now. Maybe that'll finally make them leave me alone." 

Connor shrugs. "I'd feel better if I gave you at least one more lesson. And not just about throwing punches, but maybe about how to dodge them?" 

Evan feels his arms wrap around himself. "I'd love that, but… I just have so much homework this week." 

Connor eyes him suspiciously. "I'm in like, most of your AP classes, dude. We don't have _that_ much. And besides, I always see you in the library during lunch, doing homework instead of eating. Surely you could get it done then?" 

Evan's words get clogged in his throat. He sputters for a few moments before sorting himself out. "But I do have a lot of work. I have four essays, pre-calc homework and a book report due by next week!" 

That's when Connor's suspicious, narrow eyes turn angry. "You're lying. You're not even in pre-calc, and we don't have any essays due next week in any of our classes. So unless you have a psychotic AP Bio teacher that's making you right four essays on cell division or whatever, fuck you." 

Connor turns to stomp away and Evan makes a quick decision. "Wait!" Evan grabs the back of Connor's jacket with his bad hand, causing him to cry out in pain. The sound gets Connor to turn around and pause on his way out the door. 

Evan can't believe he's about to do this. 

"I'll tell you what's really going on, but you have to promise not to tell another soul." 

That seems to peak Connor's interest. "This better be good." 

Before Evan knows it, he's pouring out the details of his and Jared's underground homework business. The rambling is mostly about how much stress it puts on Evan, and unsurprisingly, he doesn't get through the explanation without crying. 

"So let me get this straight. You and Kleinman run a business on facebook where you do people's homework for money?" 

Evan nods, wiping at his eyes and trying to pull himself together. 

"Dude… that's so badass!" 

That was not the reaction Evan had been expecting. 

"Wow. How long has this been going on? You little sneak. You must be rich by now. But hold on, that's totally not fair to you, you realize that right? Jared does nothing and you two split the profits? I should have a talk with him," Connor says, balling his fist. 

"You can't!" Evan's heart is hammering in his chest. "You can't let him know I told you, he'd kill me. I know it's not fair, but Jared's name is the one all over it. If we ever got caught, he takes the fall. So with that in mind, it's worth it to split the money." 

Connor nods. "Fair enough. But still, I'm impressed. You didn't answer my question, though. How long have you two been keeping this up?" 

Evan does some quick math. "About two years? Give or take." 

"That's wild. I can't believe I've never heard of it before. I probably would have had you do some work for me." 

"I mean, I wouldn't mind doing some work for free for you. It's the least I could do..." 

"No way, Hansen. You don't owe me anything. Besides, it sounds like you have enough to stuff deal with without me adding onto it." 

Evan nods, tearing up again. Nobody's ever said anything like that to him before. Everyone just seems to assume that because he's smart, he can handle whatever's thrown at him. But there's only so much one person can take before they begin to crack, and Connor is the first person to acknowledge that. 

"Okay okay, don't get all emotional about it. Listen, we're both in AP classes. I wouldn't call myself smart, but I'm not an idiot when it comes to schoolwork. I'll help you with some of those essays. Maybe even the book report, too. God knows I've probably read the book it's on a hundred times." 

"No, no. You've done enough for me already. I couldn't let you do that." 

"Evan," Connor's voice is softer now. "I don't mind, really. You're going to have a nervous breakdown if you keep going like this. Just let me help." 

The tears flow freely against Evan's cheeks yet again. "At least let me pay you?" 

"Fine. If it makes you feel better then that's what we'll do." 

Evan sniffs and Connor hands him another paper towel. They stand there in silence for a while, before Evan finally breaks it. 

"Thank you, Connor. For.. everything." 

Connor smiles and Evan's heart does a flip. "Don't mention it." 

"Can we get out of here?" 

Connor nods, putting his hand on the small of Evan's back and leading them out the door. 


	4. Chapter 4

Evan is starting to think he may be developing a teeny, tiny crush on Connor Murphy. 

Who could blame him, really? Connor has been like a superhero to him in the past week. If this were a movie, they probably would have kissed by now. 

But this isn't a movie, and Evan knows Connor is never going to like a dweeb like him. It's still fun to daydream about, though. 

Evan is mulling his situation over in the library when, speak of the devil, he appears. 

"So. I was thinking we could have that lesson at my house after school today." 

Connor plops down at Evan's table while Evan's heartbeat picks up. And not just from nerves. 

"I have to finish at least three of these assignments today to stay on track. I don't think I'll have time." 

"Give me one. I was serious when I said I'd help. What's the book report on?" 

"The Giver." 

"Perfect. That's one of my favorites. I've already written like five book reports on it and I'm pretty sure I still have them. We could just use one of those. Problem solved." 

Evan's heart soars, and he feels just a tiny bit of weight being lifted from his shoulders. 

He'd really like to kiss Connor right now. 

But of course, he doesn't. He just nods and says "thank you" like the pathetic little nerd he'll always be. 

"So, my house after school. I'll meet you in the parking lot and give you a ride." 

The thought of going over Connor's house is anxiety inducing, but Evan doesn't want to say no. He wants to spend as much time with Connor as humanly possible, and these lessons are the perfect excuse. 

"Sounds good." 

Jared texts him after the last bell. 

**[Jared]:** come over my house after school  
**[Jared]:** we need to have a meeting about the website. 

Jared had mentioned wanting to take their business off of facebook and transferring it onto a website. Jared had mentioned the Dark Web and Evan couldn't believe that was something he actually had to talk him out of. 

Jared wound up settling for the mainstream internet, but Evan couldn't for the life of him figure out why Jared would need his help with that. He's much more tech-savvy than Evan could ever hope to be. 

Evan considers making up an excuse until he realizes there's no reason to lie. 

**[Evan]:** Can we reschedule? I'm going over Connor's house after school. 

The predictable response comes quickly. 

**[Jared]:** omg  
**[Jared]:** so you two are fuckin 

**[Evan]:** No! 

Evan is about to type "he's just my friend," but he has to reconsider that for a moment. Are they friends? 

Maybe, maybe not. Evan isn't sure. Either way, the temptation to rub it in Jared's face is too great. 

**[Evan]:** He's my friend, and he's been teaching me how to defend myself in fights. You know, because I get the crap beaten out of me on a daily basis and he's the only one that seems to care? 

**[Jared]:** w/e. just come over tomorrow instead 

Evan sighs. He wants to say no, but his anxiety won't let him. Pissing off Jared is a bad idea, especially since he's been keeping one of Evan's biggest secrets. 

**[Evan]:** Fine. See you then. 

Evan heads towards the parking lot and is surprised to find Connor not standing by his car… but by his motorcycle. 

No. Absolutely not. 

"Oh come on, don't tell me you're afraid." 

Evan isn't sure if he spoke out loud, or if the fear was just that apparent on his face. "I am. I've never ridden on one before. Aren't they super dangerous?" 

"No. I ride it all the time and I'm obviously fine. Never been in an accident or anything. I know it may come as a shock, but I actually drive pretty safely on this thing." 

Evan just keeps eyeing the motorcycle warily. 

"Come on, Hansen. Live a little. I brought an extra helmet and everything." 

Evan wants to say no, he really does. But… the thought of being pressed up against Connor for however long it takes to get to his house is tempting. 

"Okay, fine." 

Admittedly, Evan is shaking as he gets onto the motorcycle. Every little thing that can possibly go wrong is running through his mind. Connor gets on too, and as they settle themselves Connor instructs Evan to hold on tight. He doesn't need to be told twice. 

"Please don't go fast," Evan begs right before Connor starts up the engine. 

"I won't. Promise." 

Connor keeps his word. Evan is surprised as they make their way out of the parking lot how smooth and easy the ride is. He gets nervous again once they actually get on the road, but it's not as terrifying as he thought it would be. It's actually sort of… nice. 

It's freeing, in a way. To not be in the confines of a car. Evan can feel the wind whipping against his face, the warmth from Connor as he expertly glides along with the traffic. The colors of the world surrounding them as they pass by. Evan's not even scared anymore. 

He feels alive. 

When they arrive at Connor's house, Evan finds himself disappointed that the ride ended so soon. He would ride that motorcycle all over town with Connor, but he's pretty sure something like that is just a fantasy. A daydream that could never come true. 

Connor parks. His house is huge and gorgeous, which surprises Evan a little. He didn't peg Connor as one to come from money, though in retrospect that isn't something he should have assumed. 

A new fear instills itself in Evan's mind. "Is your family home?" he tries to ask casually. 

"Nah. My sister is at band practice, my dad's at work, and my mom has yoga or something this afternoon. Consider yourself lucky." 

Evan does. He's not mentally prepared to meet Connor's family yet. 

Well, technically he wouldn't be meeting Zoe. He's known of Zoe for a long time, and actually used to have a crush on her during his freshman year. It faded with time, but Evan doesn't dare mention that to Connor. He has a feeling it wouldn't go over well. 

The inside of Connor's house is just as impressive as the outside. It's ornately decorated; everything is clean and expensive looking and it's such a contrast to Evan's own house that it almost makes him feel ashamed. Yet another reason Connor could never want to be with someone like him. 

They make their way to Connor's room. It looks nothing like the rest of the house, and matches Connor's personality much better than what Evan has seen so far. Everything inside of it seems to be a shade of gray or black. There's a few band posters, a bookcase. It's a little messy and the bed is unmade. 

Somehow, it instantly makes Evan feel more comfortable. 

"Okay, so dodging punches." 

Evan snaps out of his reverie and turns his attention back to Connor. 

For a moment, he'd almost forgotten why they came here in the first place. 

"Right. Dodging punches." 

"It's mostly a matter of knowing what to expect from the other person. Come here." 

Evan moves toward Connor and stands in front of him. They make eye contact and Evan has to look away. Connor's gaze is so fierce; his light blue eyes always seem to be burning with something, and Evan wishes he felt comfortable enough to look into them for longer than a second. 

"Right. So uh," Connor seems to be thinking long and hard about something, choosing his words carefully. "There's three places where you want to make sure you protect, first of all. That would be your face, neck, and stomach. Some people fight dirty and might kick you in the stomach or balls, which I definitely wouldn't put past Roz. Try to punch me somewhere and watch what I do." 

The lesson continues like that for a little while, Connor giving demonstrations and little pointers here and there. Evan's distracted, though. Connor is acting sort of weird, but he can't put his finger on why or how. 

"Alright, cool. Now that you've gotten the basics down, we should try to stage a fight and see how you do." Connor steps closer and Evan feels himself start to sweat. "Angle your body like this." 

Connor reaches over and puts his hands on Evan's shoulders. He moves Evan easily, angling him so that he's facing slightly away from Connor. 

A beat, and Connor still hasn't moved his hands. 

Evan looks up, and is almost startled to find Connor looking down at him with an expression he's never seen Connor Murphy use. His eyes are half lidded and he seems to be… looking at Evan's lips. 

Feeling himself start to shake, Evan doesn't dare let himself move a muscle. He keeps looking up at Connor, and Connor keeps looking down at him. 

The next thing Evan knows, Connor Murphy's lips are on his. 


	5. Chapter 5

Kissing Connor Murphy is everything and nothing like what Evan expected it would be. 

His lips are dry and a little chapped. There's a tiny bit of stubble scratching at Evan's face where Connor apparently neglected to shave, though Evan never noticed it before. Their lips are kind of awkwardly smashed together until Evan kisses back, and then it's sloppy and unsure because _this is Evan's first kiss_. 

All too soon, Connor is pulling away. "Fuck," he whispers, his voice low and sultry. 

The next time he speaks though, he sounds panicked. 

"Fuck! What did I do. Oh god, I'm so sorry Evan. I wasn't thinking. You must fucking hate me now." 

Evan's still too shocked to speak. He tries to make his voice work, but instead he mouths silently around words that won't come. 

"I'd drive you home but you probably don't want to be anywhere near me right now and god, I can't blame you. I can't believe I did that. Fuck!" 

Evan senses Connor really starting to panic. Like, the way Evan panics when he does something impulsive or stupid. 

Evan does the only thing he can think of to do in that moment. 

He grabs Connor's sleeve, then reaches up and kisses Connor again. 

It's quick and a little awkward but it gets the message across. Connor effectively stops freaking out and looks down at Evan like he's seeing him for the first time. 

"I liked it," Evan reassures Connor, finally having found his voice again. "I like _you_." 

Evan can't believe he actually said that, but the words are finally out there. The next move is up to Connor. 

Connor stays silent for a beat too long, then, "You do?" 

The possibility that he's said too much takes ahold of Evan's neck and chokes him. He simply nods, feeling disappointed tears burn at the back of his eyes. 

Another beat of tense, awkward silence and then, "Why?" 

Evan looks down, trying to hide his face as much as possible. He knows he's burning bright red, sweat probably beading at his forehead and making him look even grosser than he already does. Balling his hands into fists, he tries to avoid tumbling into a full-on meltdown and simply shrugs in response to Connor's question. 

"Well. I like you, too." 

Another surprise. 

Trying to compose himself, Evan feels his anxiety begin to ebb, giving way to a joyous feeling of relief and ecstacy. Connor Murphy _likes him back._ Connor brought Evan to his room and kissed him because he _likes him back_. They like _each other_. It's almost too much to comprehend. 

Evan wipes at his brow and takes a deep breath before finally looking at Connor's face. He's blushing, but there's a small smile forming at the corner of his lips. 

"So what do we do now?" 

Connor shrugs. "I don't know. I'm not exactly well-versed in this kind of thing." 

"Me neither," Evan agrees. 

"We could… kiss some more?" 

Now that's an extremely appealing proposal. "I'd like that." 

Connor sits down on his bed and Evan sits next to him, trying not to shake with nerves or excitement or a combination of the two. Before he knows it, Connor's lips are back on his and they're kissing again. 

It's nicer this time. They slip against each other's mouths for a few moments before finding a rhythm. That's when Connor slides his tongue into Evan's mouth and sets Evan's entire being on fire. 

Wrapping his arms around Connor's shoulders, Evan follows suit and glides his tongue against Connor's. The angle is a bit awkward, and apparently Connor can sense it too, because soon he's gently pushing Evan backwards to lay down on his bed. 

As soon as Evan's head hits the pillow however, they hear a door slam downstairs and Connor freezes. 

"Shit. We gotta get out of here. Come on." 

Disappointment fills Evan to his core, replaced quickly by fear. Connor's parents are home. He's going to have to meet and talk to Connor's _parents_. 

Connor helps Evan sit up and leads him to the door by his hand. They're holding hands. Connor drops it as soon as the exit the room, but it was very nice while it lasted. 

Evan holds his breath as they make their way down the steps. The door is close to the base of the stairs, and Connor practically dives for it before they're stopped. 

A sweet-faced lady with short red hair and kind eyes appears by the door. "Hi Connor!" she says instantly. "Who's your friend?" 

Connor sighs loudly, clearly not trying to hide his exasperation. "This is Evan." 

"Aren't you going to introduce me, dear?" 

With a roll of the eyes, Connor turns towards the woman. "Evan, this is my mom. Mom, Evan. We were just leaving." 

"Leaving?" She sounds absolutely aghast. "Can't you stay for dinner, Evan?" 

The thought is terrifying, but Evan can't say no to this woman. She looks like the human incarnation of Bambi. "Well, I-" 

"No he can't," Connor barks. "He has a thing. Come on, Ev." And with that, Connor is making his way out the door. 

"It was nice meeting you, Mrs. Murphy," Evan says quickly as he follows behind Connor. 

"You too, hon. Maybe some other time," is the last thing he hears before Connor slams the door, leaving Evan feeling like a monster. 

Evan follows an obviously irritated Connor over to his motorcycle. As they put on their helmets, an awkward silence that Evan feels the need to fill settles over them. "Your mom seems nice." 

"She's alright." 

Evan wants to press for more information, but he's smarter than that. He's ready to get on the bike and keep his mouth shut, until he's distracted by Connor shrugging off his leather jacket. 

"Here," Connor says, thrusting the jacket towards Evan. "It's getting chilly and you don't want to be on a motorcycle when it's cold out. The wind chill makes it feel like it's 20 degrees colder." 

Wordlessly, Evan takes the jacket and tries not to blush. 

Another wonderful thing about riding Connor's motorcycle is that Evan doesn't have to worry about forcing any conversation. He doesn't have to wrack his brain for interesting or entertaining things to say. He can hold on to Connor and just _be_. It's really nice. 

When they get to Evan's house, he's relieved to see that his mom's car isn't in the driveway. He isn't exactly ready to explain to his mom why he just got dropped off at home on a motorcycle. Too much has happened today already, and Evan knows he doesn't have the capacity to lie his way out of this one. 

Evan gets down from the bike and takes off his helmet, handing it back to Connor. When he goes to shrug the jack off as well, however, Connor stops him. 

"Keep it. I like the way it looks on you." 

They say their goodbyes and Evan scurries into his house, barely managing to hold in his happy squeal of delight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter but thank you all for your lovely comments! They keep me going!


	6. Chapter 6

Evan gets the best sleep he's gotten in weeks that night. 

Oh sure, that may have something to do with the fact that he didn't touch any of his homework when he got home from Connor's, but who could blame him? He had way too much to think about to concentrate on history essays and calculus equations. 

He's lost in thought on his way to school the next day. He and Connor had kissed yesterday. So what does that mean? Are they together? Boyfriends? Does Connor even do relationships? What if he's one of those people who doesn't like to put a label on things? 

Well, all of that doesn't really matter. As long as Evan gets to keep kissing Connor, he doesn't care what they call themselves. 

When Evan gets to his locker, Connor is there. Excitement fills his stomach, washing away the dread and nerves that usually accompany walking into school in the morning. 

"You're not wearing it," Connor comments as soon Evan is within ear shot. 

It takes a moment for Evan to process the statement before he understands what Connor means. "Oh, yeah. It's in my backpack. I brought it in case you wanted it back." 

"Hansen. When I told you to keep it, I meant keep it." 

"Oh, sorry." 

"You should put it on now. I want everyone here to know you're mine." 

Evan almost passes out. 

"So, you mean, like…?" Evan doesn't have the words to articulate what he means, but luckily Connor seems to understand. 

"Yeah. That is, as long as you want to be." 

Evan tries not to nod his head too rapidly. "I do." 

"Cool." 

They stand there for a moment, smiling stupidly at each other while Evan tries to think of something to say. That is until he realizes he hasn't put the jacket on yet. He reaches for his backpack and fumbles for a few minutes before sliding it on. It's warm and smells like Connor and he instantly feels safer. 

"Much better. Oh, we should probably get each other's numbers, too." 

"Oh, right. I totally didn't realize we didn't do that yet. Exchange numbers, I mean." 

Connor laughs a little and they trade phones. Evan's fingers shake with excitement and nerves and he has to backspace a few times before the number is finally in Connor's phone correctly. 

"Alright, cool," Connor says once they both have their own phones back. "Text me if you need me. I'll see you around." 

Evan gets his things out of his locker and walks to his first period class with a renewed pep in his step. 

As soon as he sits down in class, his phone buzzes with a text. Evan gets his phone out so fast that he almost drops it, but when he checks the notification he's disappointed. 

**[Jared]:** literally just saw u walk down the hall wearin Murphy's jacket when are u gonna admit ur fuckin 

Evan just barely manages to muffle his groan. 

**[Evan]:** You're really texting me this? You couldn't have said something in person?  


**[Jared]:** shut up u know I don't talk to u at school  
**[Jared]:** bad for my rep  
**[Jared]:** and don't change the subject 

Evan realises he's at a crossroads. He doesn't particularly like lying - it's stressful and he's not very good at it. But telling Jared that he's dating Connor Murphy would just result in the whole school knowing about it by lunchtime and Evan… isn't sure he's ready for that. 

He knows there's only so long he can go around wearing Connor's leather jacket before people start to put two and two together, but at least it wouldn't happen all at once, and at least it wouldn't happen because of Jared. 

**[Evan]:** I was cold 

**[Jared]:** yeah ok Evan  
**[Jared]:** see u after school. we have work to do 

\-- 

It turns out all the "work" Evan had to get done involves fidgeting on Jared's bed while he types furiously on his computer and ignores Evan except for the occasional logistic question about their website. Evan feels pretty useless and he's not sure why Jared needed him here so bad. 

No matter how much Jared would deny it, Evan thinks he probably just wanted the company. 

But still. Evan has actual schoolwork at home to do, and his time is better spent pretty much anywhere but here. He feels bad for Jared though, and doesn't have the guts to speak up. 

So, he just sits on Jared's bed silently like the useless human being that he knows he really is. 

Evan hears his phone ping. 

**[Connor]:** let's go for a ride 

Evan doesn't need to think twice about his answer. 

**[Evan]:** Okay. I'm not at home though. I'll send you the address. 

Evan reads the text over one too many times before sending it, wondering if he should add an exclamation point after the "okay" or if he should just leave it as is. He deems it acceptable after a minute or so and hits send, quickly following up with Jared's address. 

Evan waits about fifteen minutes or so and sure enough, he hears the rumble of Connor's motorcycle in the distance. 

"I gotta go," Evan says suddenly, grabbing his backpack and shrugging on Connor's leather jacket. It was a little warm in Jared room, but that was the first time he'd taken it off all day. 

"No you don't! We have shit to do," Jared whines, not looking up from his computer screen. 

"Like what, exactly? All I've done since I came over was sit here." 

Jared doesn't answer right away. "Where are you going?" 

Evan is too exasperated to lie. "Gonna go hang out with Connor." 

"Oh my god, is that the obnoxious noise I hear outside? Seriously, what's the deal with you two? Why would a guy like him want to hang out with a guy like you?" 

Annoyance flares up in Evan's gut and before he can stop himself, he's blurting out the truth. "We're dating, actually." 

Jared bursts out laughing. "Yeah right. You really think I would believe that? I was joking about you two fucking. We all know you're still a virgin." 

Evan blushes bright red. "Believe what you want Jared. He's outside and I'm leaving." 

"So wait, so really dating? No fucking way." 

"I gotta go, Jared." 

"Oh, this is hilarious." 

"Bye, Jared." 

"Whatever. Do what you want, but that Murphy kid is bad news. Oh, and you better not let him get in the way of our business, by the way." 

The mention of The Business makes Evan's blood run cold. He has so much work to do and yet he's going out motorcycle riding with Connor Murphy. It's downright irresponsible, and Evan is not someone who does irresponsible things. 

Oh well. He can make up the work later, and besides - Connor is helping him now. One afternoon isn't going to set them back too far. 

"I won't," Evan promises. "Bye." 

"See ya loser." 

Evan makes his way through the house, blessedly not running into either of Jared's moms. They've always been sweet and friendly towards Evan, but he wants to get to Connor as soon as possible and running into them would probably turn into an hour's long conversation. 

When he gets outside, Evan's heart skips a beat in that funny way it does whenever he sees Connor. He's standing by his motorcycle and he _smiles_ when he sees Evan. It's gorgeous and rare and almost knocks him out. 

"Hey," he says in greeting. "So where are we going?" 

"Somewhere we can be alone." 

"Oh, uh. My house is empty?" 

"I have a better idea. Get on." 

Putting his helmet on, Evan does as he's told. He squeezes Connor's middle, conveying that he's ready. Connor revs the engine and they're off. 

Wherever they're going, it's apparently on the other side of town. They ride for a long time until the houses become fewer and farther between, sidewalks being replaced with trees and grass, much to Evan's delight. 

They stop in front of the infamous old apple orchard that the entire town knows about. It's been abandoned for years, and nobody knows why it was never reopened or replaced with something else. There are plenty of rumors, of course. Some people say the owner died and never left it to anyone in their will. Some say it's being demolished soon and turned into a golf course. Still others say it's haunted. 

Evan doesn't believe any of it. All he knows for sure are that the trees are unhealthy and uncared for, and it hurts his heart a little every time he passes it. 

"The apple orchard?" Evan asks stupidly when Connor turns the motor off. 

"Yeah, I come here a lot to smoke or just when I need to be alone. I never see anyone else so we probably won't be bothered." 

"Won't we get in trouble?" Evan asks, eyeing the "No Trespassing" sign on the fence. 

"Only if we get caught. Come on." 

Connor starts walking, but Evan doesn't follow. His anxiety has spiked, and he finds himself frozen to the ground. 

"Oh come on, I was just joking," Connor says, sounding exasperated. He turns around. "I come here all the time and nobody's ever said anything to me. People forget this place exists. I promise we'll be fine." 

Evan is about to argue that he has bad luck, that this would probably be the one time that they do get caught and probably arrested, but then Connor takes Evan's hand and suddenly everything feels okay. 

Evan would probably follow Connor anywhere if he just kept holding his hand. 

They make their way through a gap in the fence, both of them skinny enough to slide through easily. Connor leads them off the beaten path to a tree that looks no different than any of the others, then plops down into the grass. 

Evan tentatively sits down next to him. 

He's not sure what they're supposed to talk about, but Connor doesn't seem to mind the silence that stretches on just a bit longer than Evan is comfortable with. He picks at some grass and looks around. 

He didn't notice the view when he first sat down, but they're mid-way atop a hill that overlooks the entire orchard. The sun is just beginning to set, casting everything in a golden-orange glow. The trees leave shadows that stretch in rows and everything seems just a little brighter and more palpable. 

Suddenly, he's not so uncomfortable with the silence. 

Right on cue though, Connor decides to break it. 

"So, what else do I need to know about you, Hansen?" 

Evan is jarred a bit by the question. He's not really sure how to answer that. He's never been a particularly interesting person, but surely he could think of something? 

Evan stares out over the orchard again and is filled with a warm affection by the sight of the trees. Should he tell Connor about his weird obsession with trees? No, that's too specific. He could at least try to make it sound slightly less dorky. 

"I like nature?" 

"Guess you lucked out today, then." 

"Yeah. I like this place. I'm surprised I've never come here before, though I guess in retrospect the 'No Trespassing' sign would have kept me out. Anyway. I wanna study environmental science when I get to college. Well, if I go to college, that is." 

"If?" 

"Yeah. I'm not really sure if my mom will be able to afford it." 

"You're like, a genius though. You'll probably get nine different scholarships." 

"Yeah, that's the plan. As long as I can keep my grades up, which hasn't been so easy lately." 

"Because of that homework business thing you guys have going on?" 

_That, and the fact that you're a huge distraction to my concentration like, 24/7_. "Yeah." 

"Why don't you just quit?" 

The thought is appealing, but unrealistic. "Jared would kill me. Plus, I need the money." 

"So get a job. A real one. And screw Kleinman. I'll beat his ass if he has anything to say about it." 

Evan sighs. "Speaking of Jared. I told him you and I are dating and the whole school is probably going to know by tomorrow." 

"Good. I want them to know. Don't you?" 

"It's not that. I just. I don't know. I guess I'm just a private person, is all." 

"I've noticed." 

"Well what about you? I feel like I barely know anything about you." 

"What do you want to know?" 

"Uh. Well, I told you what I want to do in college. What about you?" 

"Not sure I want to go to college. School isn't exactly my thing if you couldn't tell." 

He has a point. "What if you had to choose?" 

"I don't know. I like to draw, so maybe something with that? Or English, maybe. It's all hypothetical though." 

"That's cool. You like to read, don't you?" 

"Yeah." 

That launches a long conversation between the two of them about their favorite books. It turns out they're both big readers, but their paths haven't crossed much when it comes to having read the same books. They've both read Harry Potter, naturally, which launches into a longer discussion about how awesome it would be to go to Hogwarts and what houses they would be in. Evan considers himself a Hufflepuff while Connor has always identified as Slytherin. Unsurprising. 

It's almost dark out when Evan finally notices the time. "It's getting late. We should probably go." 

"Okay, but first-" Connor cuts himself off, leaning over and kissing Evan hard on the lips. 

Evan kisses back immediately, stomach bursting with butterflies and a warmth that he can't quite explain. He wraps a hand around Connor's neck and lets Connor lower him to the ground. 

Evan feels safe and protected with Connor hovering over him like that. Connor pauses for just a moment before diving back in, kissing Evan deeply with renewed vigor and making a soft noise that gets muffled by Evan's mouth. Evan grabs Connor's shirt and pulls him closer, trying not to shake and not really knowing what to do with his legs. 

They make out heavily for a while longer until Connor's phone starts ringing. 

Groaning, he rolls off of Evan and digs in his pocket. "It's my mom." Instead of answering it though, he shoves it back in the pocket of his skinny jeans and leans down again. 

"Wait," Evan says. "Are you going to answer it?" 

"Nah, she's just wondering where I am. She can wait." 

Evan pictures Connor's mom, the doe-eyed woman with that sweet, soft voice at home, panicking because she doesn't know where her son is. It's a natural parental reaction he's experienced one too many times from his own mother when he forgot to check his texts or stayed at Jared's house too late without letting her know. She's even come close to tears a few times. 

Evan can't be the reason that Connor's mom is panicking or crying, no matter how much he wants to stay here and continuing doing this. 

"We gotta go. I want to stay here just as much as you do, but it's only a matter of time before my mom starts wondering where I am too." A lie. Evan's mom is at work and definitely hasn't noticed he's not home yet. 

"Alright, alright." 

"You should call her back. Please?" 

Connor seems to hesitate before looking over at Evan. "Geeze okay, fine. Stop with the puppy eyes. I'll call her back." 

Connor calls his mom and the two of them make their way back through the gate and over to Connor's motorcycle. They get on and Connor takes Evan home, going a tad slower than he had on the way to the orchard. 

When they pull up to the house though, Evan's heart drops. 

There, standing in the driveway next to her car is Evan's mom, looking very surprised to see Evan on the back of a motorcycle with a boy she's never met. 

Shit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there's no For Forever scene, is it really a tree bros fic?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for (the beginning of) a panic attack

"That your mom?" Connor whispers quietly to Evan after he shuts off the engine. 

"Yeah," Evan says simply, already rehearsing in his head what he's going to say to her in an attempt to explain. 

"Fuck. I don't do well with parents." 

"Just let me do the talking." Evan doesn't think he's ever said those words in his entire seventeen years of existence. Why would he? It's a terrible idea. 

They take off their helmets and Evan leads Connor over to his mom. Her eyes are bug-wide and she's looking in between the two of them with an expression of absolute confusion. She's not smiling, even though she usually at least tries to put on a fake one when greeting Evan, no matter how tired or stressed she is. 

Evan knows it for sure right then - he's in deep shit. 

"Hey mom," he says. "You're home early?" 

"I am. We were overstaffed so they cut my shift short. Who's your friend?" She sounds flat, like she's trying to hold something back. 

"This is Connor, my boyf- my friend," Evan says shakily, wondering if he made the right decision by not admitting to their relationship right away. 

"Hello Connor. It's nice to meet you." 

God, this is so incredibly awkward. 

"Hi, Mrs. Hansen. You too." At least he had the foresight to go in for a handshake. 

"Uh, Connor was just dropping me off. He has a thing…" 

"Right," his mom says. "Well, maybe you can stay for dinner some time? Evan doesn't usually bring friends over, it'll be nice to get to know you." 

Two minutes in and she's already gone and embarrassed him. That has to be some kind of record. 

"Sure, I'd like that," Connor responds, not sounding particularly thrilled about the idea. "It was nice meeting you. Bye, Evan." 

"Bye, Connor." Evan swallows, turning to face his mom as Connor walks away. 

Her expression is stern. "Inside, Evan." 

Evan nods, folding his arms across his chest and walking into the house just ahead of his mother. He watches as she shuts the door, eyes immediately finding him and dropping the farce to turn into anger. 

"What in god's name were you doing on the back of a motorcycle, Evan? You know I hate those things, they're not safe. And with someone I don't even know! Why didn't you tell me you had a friend? Not only that, but why didn't you tell me you had a friend that you're comfortable enough getting on the back of a death machine with? You told me you were at Jared's!" 

"I was at Jared's!" There's so many questions and her voice is raised, something that makes it hard for Evan to concentrate. He hates getting yelled at and can already feel the familiar burning of tears in his eyes. "I just. He's my friend from school. He offered me a ride home one day but he only had his motorcycle and he drives really safe I promise! He picked me up from Jared's." 

"Evan, he's your age, right? That means he's barely old enough to drive a car, let alone a motorcycle. No more, Evan. I don't want you on one of those things with someone you barely know." 

"But I do know him, mom! He's my boyfriend." Shit, it had slipped, but he said it. It's out there now. 

"Your… boyfriend?" her expression changes entirely. 

Heidi is no stranger to Evan's sexuality. He had come out to her when he was fifteen, back when they were closer. At the time, he told her he thought he might be gay, but time and education has changed his mind. He thinks the best way to describe his sexuality now is bisexual, and his mom knows that, too. Either way, she's never been anything but supportive and accepting. 

But this? Evan isn't sure how she'll react to this. 

Thankfully, blessedly, it seems that she's reacting well. She's smiling, and it's genuine. 

She comes over and reaches up ever so slightly to wrap her arms around his shoulders, enveloping him in a big hug. "Oh sweetie, I'm so happy for you," she coos. 

He hugs her back, melting a little at the motherly affection. It's been so long since she'd given him a hug that he'd almost forgotten how safe and reassured they make him feel. "Thanks," he says quietly. 

"I wasn't kidding," she says as she pulls away. "I want him over here for dinner. I'll bag a shift sometime next week, does that sound good?" 

Evan resists the urge to roll his eyes. He's lost count of the number of times his mother promised to "bag a shift" only to have her completely forget about doing so. He would get so excited, hoping against hope that this would finally be the night, only to walk into the house and be greeted with emptiness. That damn emptiness. 

"Sounds great," Evan says anyway. He doesn't even plan on telling Connor about it. How humiliating would it be to drag Connor over his house, only to open the door and find out his mother forgot about him again? 

Connor's mom probably never forgets about him. From what Evan's gathered, they don't get along very well. Or at all, really. But still. At least Connor's mom shows up. At least she's there. Sometimes Evan just needs his mom to be present, and usually she can't even give him that much. 

He often wonders if Connor knows just how lucky he is. To have a full family instead of the broken one he ended up with. He doesn't have a dad and he doesn't have siblings. He just has his mother who comes up short far too often. He loves her to death, and he knows she loves him back more than he could probably ever know until he has kids of his own, but still. He needs more sometimes, and Evan can't pretend that he doesn't resent her just a little bit for it. 

"Honey? Are you okay?" 

Evan hadn't realized he'd gotten lost in thought. "I'm great. Just. I have a lot of homework and it's distracting me so I should probably go take care of that." 

"Of course, hon." She runs her hand through his hair and tips the back of his head so she can plant a kiss on his forehead. "Go do your homework. Have you eaten yet?" 

"Yeah," Evan lies. "At Jared's." 

"Okay. I love you," she reminds him and he starts to ascend the stairs. 

"Love you, too." 

\-- 

Evan is shaking. 

He's shaking and crying and he's about to begin hyperventilating if he doesn't start counting his breaths. He tries, but he can't even concentrate enough to count. 

There's only one thing that's clear in his mind at the moment and it's that he needs Connor. 

Taking his phone out of his pocket, he barely manages to unlock it. Evan uses Siri to text Connor because he knows his hands are shaking too badly right now for anything he texts to come out coherently. 

Within minutes, Connor is smashing his way through the door. 

He takes one look at Evan and his face turns into an expression of pure rage. "What happened? Who did this to you?" 

"No-nobody did anything, I'm. This is. It's my fault, it's all my fault." 

Connor comes over and reaches out before hesitating. "Is it okay to touch you right now?" Connor asks. 

"Yes please," Evan whimpers, holding his arms out. 

Connor wraps Evan in a tight, warm hug and Evan buries his face in Connor's shoulder. He lets himself cry harder now that the sound is muffled. He's so stupid. How could he be so stupid? 

Evan cries and cries, but luckily doesn't work himself into a panic attack. It's a small miracle, one which he can only attribute to Connor's presence. He would have fell apart completely if left to his own devices. 

When Evan feels like he's all cried out, he lets go of Connor and sinks to the floor. Connor sits down next to him, watching Evan curiously. 

"You gonna tell me what that was about, or?" he asks. 

Evan sighs. Instead of speaking, he reaches into his backpack and pulls out the English quiz he'd just gotten back last period. He figures it'll speak for itself. 

"Uh, okay? You got a B. That's really good, Evan. Just like always." 

"Are you kidding?!" Evan almost yells. "That's the first B I've gotten in high school. Maybe my entire life. I don't get B's, Connor. I get A's. I'm a straight A student and that's really important to me." 

"Okay, so you fucked up. Everyone fucks up. It's just one quiz. I'm sure you'll still wind up with an A in the class." 

"I guess," Evan sniffles. "I just. I don't know what happened." 

"I know what happened. It's that damn business of yours. You're spending too much energy on everyone else's homework and not enough on your own." 

_That's not the only thing I've been spending my energy on_ , Evan thinks. He pointedly does not say that to Connor, though. 

Connor is right to some degree, though. Evan can handle his homework. He can even handle other people's homework. He can also handle having a boyfriend. 

He just can't handle all three things at once. 

"Tell you what," Connor says after a few moments of silence. "I'll do all the assignments that aren't yours this week. It'll give you a break and that way you can focus on your stuff. Okay?" 

Evan almost bursts into tears all over again. "I don't deserve you." Filled with an overwhelming amount of affection, Evan leans over and kisses Connor deeply, forgetting the fact that they're in school and could get walked in on at any moment. 

"Yes you do," Connor says when they break apart. "One day you'll see yourself the way I see you, Evan Hansen." 

Evan doesn't know what to say to that, so he leans over and kisses Connor again. "Thank you," he says. 

"Don't mention it." 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: suicidal thoughts/discussion of suicide, panic attack

Evan wakes up to the sound of his phone ringing. 

It's late, and when he checks the phone he sees that it's Connor calling him. 

Evan hates the phone and Connor knows this, but considering the time, it must be important. He hits "accept." 

"Hello?" 

"Hey. Wanna go to the orchard? I need to get out of my house." 

"Connor, it's 11 at night." 

"Please?" 

Connor sounds… different. It's a tone Evan has never heard him use before. Where his voice is usually either soft or loud and harsh, right now he just sounds upset. Desperate, even. 

It's hard to say no to him, but. 

"If you need to get out of the house, why don't you just come over? My mom isn't home and won't be back until morning." 

"Alright. See you soon." 

Evan waits all of ten minutes before he hears a car outside. He's surprised Connor didn't take the motorcycle. Either way, he gets out of bed and rushes downstairs to let him in. 

Opening the door, Evan notices right away that Connor looks like a wreck. His hair is even more of a mess than usual and his eyes are puffy and red. Had he been… crying? 

He could just be high, but Evan doesn't ask. He lets Connor in, gives him a long hug and a kiss, then leads him by the hand up to his room. 

It's only when Evan opens the door that he realizes that this is the first time Connor has been in his house, let alone his room. 

Evan sits down on his bed and pats the spot next to him. 

They sit in silence for a while until Evan finally breaks it. "Are you okay?" 

"Not really," Connor responds and instantly Evan is filled with a sense of dread and worry. 

"What happened?" he asks, trying to keep his voice steady. 

"Just. Had another fight with my parents. It was a bad one. I said some shit I probably shouldn't have, did some shit I probably shouldn't have. I couldn't help it." 

Evan wrings his hands and tries to figure out the best way to respond. "What was it about, exactly?" 

"My…" Connor sighs. "My 'treatment', as they like to call it." 

"Treatment?" 

There's a pause before Connor continues. "I don't know if you've noticed yet Ev, but there's some shit that's fucked up in my head. I don't have a diagnosis or anything, but something's wrong. All I know for sure is that I'm depressed and the best way my parents can think of to fix that is to send me away to some stupid yoga retreat." 

Evan nods. He understands having mental health problems, that's definitely something he can relate to. He's had an anxiety disorder his entire life, and he struggles with depression, too. It's hard. 

"Have you tried therapy? Or like, medication?" 

"Nope. My parents don't really believe in medication, and for whatever reason they won't get me a therapist, either. Something about being able to work out my problems on my own." 

"Ouch, that's no good. It doesn't work like that." 

"I know. Tell that to Cynthia and Larry." 

Evan reaches for Connor's hand and holds it. "Well, for what it's worth, I know what you're going through. That is, I know what it's like to be depressed. It's on my list of issues, too." 

"Really?" 

"Yeah. My therapist says it's not good to keep things bottled up though, especially when you're depressed. I just. I want you to know that, whatever you're going through, you can talk to me about it and I'll always be here to listen." 

Connor squeezes Evan's hand and nods. "Do you ever… sometimes I feel like. I don't know. Sometimes I think all of this can only end one way." 

Evan's stomach drops. He's afraid to ask, but he pushes through. "How?" 

"By me offing myself." 

Evan holds back a whimper. He pulls their hands into his lap and hugs Connor's arm. Tightly. "Please don't do that." 

Evan can't pretend he hasn't had the same thought, though. In his darkest moments, sometimes he feels like the only way to get through the suffering is to end it. But hearing Connor say that out loud? It stings like a knife through the heart. 

Connor doesn't say anything. 

Evan lets go of Connor and turns toward him. Evan puts his hands on either side of his face and makes Connor's tired eyes meet his. "Please don't. That would. That would be horrible, Connor. I don't even want to think about it. Please promise me you won't?" 

That's when Connor's eyes fill with tears. 

The next thing he knows, his arms are full of Connor while he hides his face in Evan's neck and cries. Evan cries too, but only just a little bit. He had no idea Connor was hurting this way. He wishes there was something he could do to make it stop, but Evan knows better than anyone that it's not that easy. 

"Wow," Connor says after his sobs had turned to whimpers before disappearing completely. 

"Wow what?" Evan asks. 

"It's just. I never talked to anyone about that before. Or any of this, really." 

"Well, I'm sorry you're feeling that way, but. But like I said, it's not good to bottle stuff up. So I'm glad you told me." 

"I'm usually a closed book, but with you. I don't know, it's different." 

He doesn't elaborate, so Evan keeps quiet. 

"Can I sleep here?" Connor asks. 

"Sure, I mean. My bed isn't that big but we can squeeze. I don't want you on the floor or anything. Unless you wanna to sleep on the couch? Sorry, I should have asked that before assuming." 

Connor smiles a little. "It's fine. I'll sleep here." 

"Okay, cool." 

Connor takes off his shoes while Evan turns off the light, and together they arrange themselves until they're cuddled up comfortably on the bed. 

"Goodnight, Connor." 

"Night, Ev." 

\-- 

Waking up next to someone is weird. 

It's not weird in a bad way, it's just. Different. Intimate. 

Connor's face was right next to Evan's when he woke up. Now, Evan is looking down at him, and he can see that Connor looks so different in his sleep. He's not scowling like he normally is; his face is just sort of soft and relaxed. 

He looks vulnerable and Evan feels the need to protect him against all the bad things in life. 

Evan lays back down and sneaks a hand across Connor's torso, hugging him just a little closer. He doesn't know how long they stay like that, but soon enough Connor starts to stir. 

"Hey," he mumbles when he rolls over just enough to look at Evan. His voice is sleepy and deep. 

"Good morning," Evan says, warm affection filling his chest. "How did you sleep?" 

"Better with you here." 

The affection in Evan's chest bubbles over and he feels like his heart is going to burst. He didn't know it was possible to have this many feelings for one person, but apparently he can. 

Connor's face is so close that Evan can see the light dusting of freckles over his nose. The sunlight is hitting his eyes just enough to illuminate them, the blue and little sliver of brown practically glowing. He's so beautiful and Evan never wants to tear his eyes away. 

It takes a few moments for Evan to realize he's staring, but he can't feel too embarrassed because Connor is staring too. They're staring at each other. 

Evan doesn't want to break it, but soon his anxiety takes over and he blinks, looking down and feeling shy. Connor doesn't miss a beat; he puts a hand under Evan's chin and tilts his face upwards again before leaning over and kissing him. 

It's a lazy and slow kiss at first, but it gains momentum and soon they're making out. Connor groans and climbs on top of Evan, kissing him deeper and tangling a hand in his hair. Evan holds the back of Connor's neck with one hand and grips his bicep with the other, stomach swirling with excitement. 

They continue on like that until Evan's alarm clock goes off. He'd almost forgotten it's a school day. With a barely contained groan of disappointment, Evan pulls his mouth away from Connor's. "We should get ready for school," Evan mumbles, tucking a piece of hair behind Connor's ear. 

"Do we have to? Can't we just skip?" 

"Connor, you do realize who you're talking to, right?" 

"Well, I'd hope it's my boyfriend since I just spent the last ten minutes making out with him." 

"Ha ha, funny. Come on, my mom's gonna be home soon." 

Evan goes about his normal routine of getting ready for school. They stop in the kitchen on their way out the door and Connor makes him take a granola bar even though Evan insists he doesn't normally eat breakfast. Evan says he'll take one if Connor does and begrudgingly, Connor shoves half a granola bar in his mouth as they go out to the car. 

Connor drives to his own house so he can get changed. He parks in the driveway and warns Evan that he could be a while, since his mom is likely to grill him about where he went the night before. 

He luckily winds up only taking about 15 minutes. They drive to school and Evan fidgets with the edge of his shirt as he contemplates a question. 

"Hey, Connor?" 

"Hm?" 

"Does your family, uh. Do they know about us?" 

"Oh," Connor says, looking surprised. "No, they don't. Nothing against you, I just don't have a great relationship with any of them. I don't tell them stuff like this. They'd probably just try to ruin it anyway." 

"I don't think that's true. They'd probably be happy for you." 

"Maybe, but maybe not. I don't wanna risk it. You're the only good thing in my life right now and I want to keep you all to myself." 

Evan nods. He understands that on some level, but he can't help but be disappointed. He doesn't want to have to hide from Connor's family, particularly Zoe who they tend to see at school. What if she sees them holding hands or kissing goodbye? Besides, it's only a matter of time before she catches wind of the rumor mill that Jared has no doubt already started. 

He wishes things were simpler for Connor. He deserves for things to be simple. 

"Zoe's going to find out. I wouldn't be surprised if Jared told her himself." 

"Well, if she finds out then she finds out. I won't deny it, but I'm not going to tell her, either. My life isn't any of her business." 

Evan nods again, though he doesn't really agree. He likes to think that if he ever had a sibling they'd have a close relationship. They'd tell eachother secrets that they don't want their parents to know, and be there for each other. Evan has to wonder if Connor and Zoe were ever like that, and if so, what happened? 

They arrive at school and Evan steels himself for another day in hell. He rubs the edge of Connor's jacket the whole way in, wrapping it tighter around himself and breathing in the faint scent of Connor that still clings to it. It's become a sort of comfort item to Evan and he can no longer imagine life at school without it. 

They have a few minutes for they have to get to class. Connor walks Evan to his first period but they're stopped by Jared, which would be a shock to begin with, but he has a serious expression on his face and doesn't even crack a joke about them being together. Very suspicious. 

"I have to talk to Evan," he says. 

"Since when do you talk to me at school?" Evan asks, just barely managing not to stutter. 

Jared glares at him. "This is important." 

Evan looks at Connor and Connor stares back. He shrugs. "Don't fuck with him," Connor warns before turning. "I'll see you at lunch, Ev?" 

"Yeah, bye Connor." 

The next thing he knows he's being dragged by the arm down the hall. They stop in front of a janitor's closet of all places, and Jared opens the door before pushing him in. He flicks on a light. 

"Jared, what the hell?" 

"We've been found out." 

Evan stomach plummets. "What?" 

One of the teachers or administrators or someone found the Facebook group. They don't know who it's tied to yet because luckily I took my name off of it in preparation to shut it down for the website, but it's only a matter of time before it's traced back to us. 

"Us? You always told me there was no way of anyone knowing I had anything to do with it!" 

"Listen, Evan. That was a lot of work. They're going to know I didn't do it all by myself. I'm not saying I'm going to rat you out, but with IP tracing who the fuck knows what could happen. I'm just trying to prepare you." 

Evan feels his heart start to race and his breathing picks up. Everything around him is spinning, and he feels dizzy. 

"Oh come on, man. I don't have a paper bag. Don't freak out on me now." 

"What. What are we going to do?" he manages to squeak out. 

The bell rings. "I don't know. Just keep your mouth shut about everything." 

"You can tell everyone their orders are canceled. I'm not doing this anymore," Evan pants between breaths. 

"Fine. I'll text you if I hear any updates." With that, he leaves the closet. 

Evan rides out his panic attack for a while before deeming himself presentable enough for the outside world. He goes to the nurse's office and sips water on a cot until second period. Evan knows Connor will be waiting to walk him to his next class, so he races to his locker. 

"You look like hell, what happened?" Connor asks immediately upon seeing him. Evan knows exactly what he's thinking. 

"I didn't get beat up or anything like that, but can we go somewhere to talk?" 

Connor's expression softens to one of curiosity, but he nods anyway and leads them to the third floor bathroom. As soon as they walk in, Evan bursts into tears. 

"Oh god, come here," Connor says and holds Evan while he shakes and cries out the fear, anxiety, and dread. He cries until he's hollow, until he finally he feels like he can speak long enough to explain what happened. 

"Our homework business. It's been found out. That's what Jared wanted to tell me this morning." 

"Oh, shit." 

"Yeah. He said they haven't tied it back to him yet, but it's only a matter of time." 

"You should be fine though. You always said he'd take the fall for you guys if anything ever happened, right?" 

"Yeah. He said that, but I don't know. I just feel so guilty. Plus what if they force him to confess? They're gonna know he didn't do it by himself." 

"Ev, they're not gonna like, torture him or something. He'll keep his mouth shut." 

"But what if he doesn't? What if they give him an ultimatum between confessing and being expelled or something?" 

"Then we'll deal with that when it happens. Besides, think of it this way, the worst they can do is expel you and even that wouldn't be such a bad thing. This school sucks." 

"It would be on my record, though! Plus, I'd miss you." 

"Well, we don't have to worry about any of that because you're not gonna get in trouble. It's gonna be okay, okay?" 

Evan sniffles. "I wish I could believe that." 

Connor reaches down to take his hand. "Wanna skip the rest of the day?" 

"I do, but that would probably just wind up giving me even more anxiety. I should get to class." 

Connor looks disappointed, but nods anyway. "Text me if you need anything." 

"I will." 

They hug, and Connor plants a quick kiss on Evan's cheek when they pull away. 

They turn to go, and Evan braces himself. 

Time to face reality. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friendly reminder that comments make my day. I love hearing from you all (:


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for a panic attack

The next morning there's an announcement over the loud speaker about the facebook group. Evan almost throws up in class. The announcement states that if anyone knows who's responsible, or knows someone who participated in it, that they should come forward. 

Jared somehow makes it until after lunch before he's called to the principal's office. 

He texts Evan that night and tells him that he somehow got off with just a week's suspension. He has a feeling the principal doesn't realize how many people were actually using the group, which is good. 

However, just as predicted, their principal knows Jared didn't do it by himself and Jared will have detention every day when he comes back to school until he confesses. 

"That's not fair!" Evan yelps into his phone. "How does he know for sure you didn't do it by yourself? You're smart too, you're in AP Calculus." 

"I don't know, maybe someone said something?" 

"But still. Maybe they'll believe you when you come back to school." 

"They'd better. I'm not sitting in detention every day after school. I have shit to do. If they don't believe me though, I hope you know what you have to do." 

Evan wants to cry. "Yeah, okay." 

"I gotta go. I shouldn't even be on my phone and my moms are coming home soon. I'm grounded for the foreseeable future." 

"I'm sorry." 

"Whatever. We both knew it was gonna end like this someday. It was pretty stupid to put the thing on Facebook of all places in the first place." 

"I guess. I'll talk to you later." 

"Bye." 

They hang up and Evan is immediately vibrating out of his skin. He just barely manages to call Connor. He hates phone calls with a passion, but it's easier than texting when your entire body is shaking like a leaf. 

"Hello?" 

"Connor, I need you. Can you come over or can we go to the orchard or something?" 

"Yeah. Are you okay?" 

"Not really." 

"Alright. Be there soon." 

Evan is waiting by his window when Connor finally pulls up. He tears out of his house, not able to stand being there for a second longer. Connor brought the motorcycle this time, which Evan is thankful for. He could use a ride right now. 

Evan doesn't feel any calmer by the time they get to the orchard, though. If anything, the quiet time allowed his thoughts to spiral. They get off the motorcycle and Connor leads Evan by the hand to the spot they frequent. 

"Okay, what's up?" 

Evan wrings his hands and tries to breathe. He's on the verge of a panic attack and he doesn't even know how to begin articulating his thoughts right now. 

Instead, he just starts hyperventilating. 

"Evan, breathe," Connor says, sounding a bit alarmed. "Come here." 

Evan falls into Connor's arms and Connor counts out loud, allowing Evan to gain back control of his breath. They stay there in silence for a long while, Evan exhausted and listening to the steady beat of Connor's heart. It's grounding him. 

"Do you wanna talk about it now?" Connor asks. 

"So," Evan begins, lifting himself up off of Connor. "Jared called me and told me the principal is going to give him detention every day when he comes back to school if he doesn't tell him who helped with the homework thing. I have to confess." 

"Oh no you don't," Connor retorts immediately. "You don't have to say shit. If you get in trouble you might not get your scholarships and then you won't be able to go to college." 

"You think I don't know that?" Evan wails, tearing up. "I don't have a choice." 

Connor watches Evan for a beat or two before reaching out to grab his hand. "I'm gonna tell them I did it." 

"What?!" Evan gasps. "Please don't. That would be so bad for you. You already get in enough trouble, what if they expel you this time?" 

"Then I get expelled, so what? We're seniors. I only have a few months left of this crap anyway. Might as well go out with a bang." 

"Connor, no. I can't let you do that." 

"I don't care. I'll do it for you. I'd do anything for you." 

Evan whimpers, more tears spilling out before he shakes his head and squeezes Connor's hand. "No. Absolutely not, Connor. I'm going to tell them I did it. Tomorrow. I'll figure something out for college. Maybe I'll just go to community." 

"Evan, it's your dream to go to college. I already told you I don't want to go. This is a no brainer." 

"No, Connor. I'm not going to let you take the fall for something you didn't do." 

Connor stays silent. Evan knows what he's thinking. 

They're quiet for a long time. Eventually the sun sets and they decide to head home. When they stand up, Evan pulls Connor into a long kiss and asks him to promise he won't say anything. Connor doesn't promise, just kisses back and leads Evan back to the motorcycle. 

When Evan gets home, his mom is there. He'd almost forgotten it's Thursday and that she has the night off. She takes one look at him when he walks in the door and immediately asks what's wrong. 

"I don't want to talk about it, Mom," he says, just barely managing to hold back a fresh round of tears. 

"Did you and Connor break up?" 

It occurs to Evan that she must have heard the motorcycle in the driveway, but didn't say a word about him still riding on it after she told him not to. "No. Everything's fine. Can we drop it please?" 

Heidi looks at him with an all-knowing Mom Look. It's the look she gives him when he tries to fake sick, or when he tells her he ate dinner even though they both know the 20 dollars is still sitting on the table where she left it. It's a look that can see right through him. 

Still, Evan keeps his mouth shut. She's going to find out about all of this when he confesses tomorrow, so he might as well delay it just a little bit longer if he can. 

"I love you," she reminds him. 

"Love you too," he says before turning and heading up the stairs. 

Evan texts Connor when he gets to his room. 

**[Evan]:** Thank you for always being so good to me. You're everything I don't deserve and more. But please, please don't do this. You have a bright future ahead of you and I'd hate to see you throw it away because of something I did. I don't think I could live with myself. 

Connor doesn't answer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for another short chapter! Let me know what you think. I love hearing from you and your comments always make me smile a lot. You guys are the best!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for descriptions of violence and bruising

Connor texts Evan the next morning and tells him he can't pick him up for school because he has to take Zoe in early. Evan is suspicious, but believes him. 

He takes the bus and jitters his leg anxiously the entire time. He knows he should go to the principal's office and confess first thing in the morning, but a part of him wants to put it off until the end of the day. He thinks it's better to just get it over with, though. 

Evan is walking into school when his phone pings with a text. 

**[Connor]:** so you're probably going to hate me but I told the principal I did it 

**[Connor]:** you deserve the chance to go to college and get away from this shithole. I don't regret it, I just hope you'll forgive me 

**[Connor]:** I got expelled, tho 

Evan wants to scream. He wants to scream and cry and hit things and tell Connor he's an idiot and threaten to break up with him. 

He doesn't do any of that though, because a deep, dark, shitty part of him is relieved. 

Evan knows he has to make this right. He has to go to the principal and tell him that he's the one who did it, that Connor is innocent and Evan should be the one who gets expelled. 

His feet are carrying him to his first period, though. 

Evan sits through the class with a guilty pit in his stomach. His mind is a million miles away from the lesson; he can't stop picturing Connor's parents screaming at him and grounding him for the rest of his teenaged life. He probably won't see Connor any time soon and that almost hurts more than Connor doing something after Evan begged him not to. 

He has to go to the bathroom after his first period so he heads there in a daze, thoughts swirling with what his next move should be. He's washing his hands when the door slams open. 

It's Roz, and two of his friends. 

"Heard the news about your boyfriend," Roz says. "Got himself expelled. There's no one here to protect you, spaz." 

Evan's stomach drops. 

He knows right then that he's in for the beating of his life. 

He's not wrong. They don't spend much time intimidating him. Before Evan knows it he's being punched in the stomach until he collapses. From there, they kick him in the ribs over and over until he can't breathe. Then they start kicking him everywhere. 

When they're finally done, Evan isn't entirely sure something isn't broken. He's in so much pain that he can't get up from the floor. It takes maybe 10 minutes, but soon he's able to crawl across the floor so he can throw up in a toilet. He spends another 10 minutes crying before finally pulling himself together and weakly making his way to his next class. 

He doesn't know how he gets through the rest of the day. The pain in his ribs is severe, but he's pretty sure they're not broken. He wants to go to the bathroom and check to see if they're just bruised, but the fear of getting cornered again keeps him from doing that. 

When he finally does get home, he checks himself over and deep, dark are bruises _everywhere_. His back, his ribs, his arms. It looks awful. 

He lays in bed and winds up napping for a few hours. He waits until it gets late to text Connor and ask him to sneak out to come see him. 

When Connor arrives, the first thing he does is try to lean in for a kiss. Evan denies him, turning his head away. 

He's angry with Connor, and he can't pretend for one second that he isn't. 

In lieu of words, Evan lifts his shirt. 

Connor gasps. Evan looks down to see the bruises are even darker now, various shades of purple and red coming through. He looks like he got the absolute shit beat out of him, which is exactly what happened. 

Connor tries to touch him, but Evan flinches away. "I told you not to do that. I _begged_ you, but you did it anyway. Look what happened to me. If you were in school they never would have done this." 

"Evan, I'm sorry." 

Evan shakes his head and goes to sit on the couch, beckoning Connor to follow him. He's in pain and standing up for a long period of time isn't the best thing right now. 

"Do you need anything? Can I get you some Advil?" 

"I'm fine. I just want to talk right now." 

"Are you breaking up with me?" 

Evan is quiet for a moment. He'd considered it for a brief moment, but Connor was just trying to help. He didn't mean for anything bad to happen. "I'm not happy you went behind my back and did something after I asked you not to, but I get why you did it. You just wanted to help. I'm mad at you but no, I'm not breaking up with you." 

Connor seems relieved. "I want names. Tell me who did this to you." 

"It was Roz and a few of his friends. I don't know their names." 

"I'll kill them. They're not going to get away with this, Evan." Connor looks enraged. 

"Connor, don't. I don't want you getting hurt on top of everything else that's going on." 

"I won't get hurt, but I have to do something, Evan. I have to protect the people I love." 

Evan freezes. They'd never said 'I love you' to each other before. Does Connor really love him? How is that even possible? 

"You…?" Evan doesn't have the words for what he wants to ask. 

"I do, Evan. I love you." 

Evan almost cries. "I love you, too. At least, I think I do? I've never been in love before so I don't know what the actual definition of it is, but you make me feel so happy and safe and protected. You make me want to be a better person. That has to be love, right?" 

Evan looks over at Connor and notices there are tears in his eyes. "It must be, because that's how I feel about you." 

Evan crawls across the couch and wraps his arms around Connor, rest his head on his chest and closes his eyes. 

"I'm gonna hurt those guys, Ev. I'm gonna hurt them like they hurt you, but worse." 

Evan doesn't say anything. 

Evan doesn't know how much times passes, but he must of fallen asleep because the next thing he knows he's being gently shaken and he can hear his mom's voice. 

"Is he okay?" she asks. 

"He wasn't feeling well," Connor lies for him. "I think he's okay. Just needed to rest." 

Evan shifts and is immediately in even more pain than he was before. He can only imagine how sore he's going to be tomorrow. He lets out an involuntary groan and tries to sit up. 

"It's okay Ev, lay back down," Connor instructs as his mom comes around to the front of the couch. She looks even more worried than usual. She leans down and feels his forehead. "No fever," she reports. "What's wrong, honey?" 

"I uh, I have a headache and I'm kind of sore." He hates lying to his mom, but there's no way he can tell her the truth. 

"Let's get you to bed," she says. 

"I'll do it," Connor replies. "Come on, Ev." 

It's slow going and it takes some maneuvering, but soon Connor and Evan make it up the stairs and into Evan's room. He lays down, snuggling into his sheets and trying to pretend today didn't happen. 

Connor leans down to kiss him on the cheek. "They're never going to bother you again Evan. I'm gonna make sure of it." 

Evan knows there's no convincing Connor otherwise. "Please be careful." 

"I will. Goodnight, Evan." 

"Goodnight." 

Evan wakes up the next morning to the sound of his phone ringing. 

It's from a number he doesn't know and he never answers his phone anyway, so he lets it go to voicemail. When it starts ringing again though, that's when he gets worried. 

"Hello?" he asks hesitantly. 

"Hi, Evan?" It's a woman's voice. 

"This is Connor's mom." 

Evan's stomach drops. 

"Everything's going to be okay, but I'm calling you because Connor is in the hospital and has been asking for you." 

Evan almost throws up. Short of dropping the phone, he manages to stutter out, "W-what?" 

"He got in a fight with some boys your age and they hurt him pretty badly. We don't know too many details, but apparently there was a baseball bat involved." 

Tears jump to Evan's eyes at the image of Connor getting hurt like that. 

They start falling when Evan realises this happened because of _him_. 

"Is he okay?" 

"He should be. He was unconscious for a while but he woke up late last night and hasn't stopped asking for you since." 

Evan nods, trying to hold himself together. "I'll be there soon." 

"Okay, sweetie. I'll text you the address of the hospital and the room information." 

"Okay, thank you," Evan practically whimpers. He hangs up the phone and bursts into tears. 

How could he have let this happen? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hello I'm back
> 
> I'm SO sorry for leaving you guys for 5 months with that super shitty cliffhanger, but I've always had every intention of finishing this fic and that's what I'm going to do. If anyone is still reading, just know that I appreciate you.
> 
> WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: description of violence and injuries, vomit, panic attack, big anxiety, suicidal thoughts

Evan is, at the very least, grateful that Connor had been admitted to a room earlier that morning. He's seen this situation in enough movies and tv shows to know that he wouldn't be allowed back into the ER to see his boyfriend since he's not a family member. The waiting and the uncertainty would have surely drove him into a panic attack, although to be fair he's definitely on the verge of one right now. 

He wonders if his Uber driver has noticed his labored breathing yet. 

On top of the concern for Connor's condition, Evan just feels so incredibly guilty. Sure, Connor is known for getting into fights, but he's pretty sure weapons wouldn't have been involved if Connor wasn't associated with him. Connor is in the hospital as a direct result of dating Evan, and the thought makes him nauseous. 

His driver pulls up to the main entrance of the hospital and Evan hops out with a hurried "thank you." Luckily, he knows his way around this hospital pretty well. On top of his own past admissions, this is where his mother works. Often times, visiting her at work was the only way he'd be able to see her in the span of an entire week, and he's made his way to her floor for various reasons such as signing permission slips or simply grabbing dinner with her in the cafeteria. 

He just hopes he doesn't run into her right now. 

Double checking Cynthia's text for Connor's room number, he hops in an elevator and ignores the spike of anxiety at the confined space and the potential of getting trapped in it. He shuts his eyes tight and counts backwards from ten, letting out a relieved breath when he hears the _ding_ for his floor and the doors open. 

Evan makes his way down the hall on wobbly legs and barely has time to worry about the impending social interaction that's inevitably going to take place with Connor's family before he approaches the correct room. He steels himself and takes a deep, slow breath before appearing in the open doorway of room 2011. 

Evan's stomach drops at the sight before him. 

First of all, in addition to Connor's mom, Mr. Murphy is there as well. Father figures have always intimidated Evan for various reasons, but he's at least grateful that Zoe isn't anywhere in sight. An awkward encounter with one of his peers is the last thing he needs right now. 

Second, Connor looks… fucking _awful._ His eyes are closed and his face is not only pale, but covered in dark bruises. He's hooked up to various medical machines that are beeping and whirring, and he realizes the stereotype of someone looking small and helpless in a hospital bed exists for a reason. 

"Evan!" Cynthia's voice startles him out of his thoughts, and his throat closes up as she makes eye contact with him. He can't speak, can't greet her politely or even make any noise at all. 

His heart starts to race and his lungs lose function as Connor's parents approach him. 

"Hi, Evan. Nice to meet you, you're Connor's friend?" 

That was Mr. Murphy, and he's standing just a tad too close to him and reaching out for a handshake. Evan obliges because he's physically incapable of being rude on purpose, but when they let go Evan realizes he's wheezing. 

Cynthia seems to notice. "I know it looks bad, hun. But he's going to be okay. He has a concussion and a few broken ribs, and the hospital wants to keep him for observation, but it's nothing he won't heal from." 

If that was supposed to help, it doesn't. The description of Connor's injuries only sends him further into his panic spiral, and the nausea that still hasn't faded reaches a crescendo. 

Despite the fact that he knows it's disgustingly impolite, and that the Murphys will probably hate him after this, he turns and runs down the hall. He blessedly finds a bathroom right away, and thanks whatever deity that was maybe looking out for him that it's empty. He barely makes it to the toilet before he's throwing up bile, hyperventilating so heavily in between that he's scared he's going to choke and die. What a way to go. 

It isn't long before he's dry heaving, and sobs are making their way out of his chest. The movements hurt the bruises around his abdomen and he curls into himself in pain. 

He can't get the image of Connor being beaten so badly that it landed him in the hospital with broken ribs and a concussion out of his head. And with _bats_ no less. It's burned into his mind and Evan realizes distantly that he'll probably be talking about it in therapy for years to come. 

That is, if he even makes it to another therapy session. 

The dark thoughts that tend to always fizzle beneath the surface are returning in monster waves. He should just kill himself. Connor's life would be so much easier without him. Everyone's life would be easier without him. He's a disaster that only leaves destruction and rubble in his wake. He hates himself, now more than ever, and it's time for him to go. 

He cries and hyperventilates and muses various methods of suicide in the corner of the single-stall bathroom for what feels like hours. He can't stay in here forever - logically, he knows this. He's going to have to leave eventually. But what will he do then? 

He desperately wants to see Connor; the need to make sure his boyfriend is okay outweighs his desire to off himself, at least for the moment. The thought of facing the Murphys after his earlier display almost makes him leave the hospital altogether, but he can't get Cynthia's earlier words out of his mind. _He hasn't stopped asking for you._

Evan at least owes him that much. He really can't fathom why anyone would want him in their presence that badly, but still. Connor apparently wants to see him and Evan would give Connor anything he wanted, no questions asked. 

He waits until his panic attack fades away on its own. He doesn't try any breathing methods or coping mechanisms that he's learned over the years. He's trying to delay the inevitable, and he even slumps against the wall of the bathroom long after he's calmed down. Finally though, someone knocks on the door and the bubble that made him feel safe and protected pops. Now he's an annoyance, an inconvenience. 

That's nothing new, though. 

He quickly splashes some water on his face, drying it with a paper towel and glancing at himself in the mirror. His face is red and blotchy and his eyes are swollen, but it doesn't matter because he needs to get out of here before the person waiting outside gets angry and starts yelling. Keeping his head down, he opens the door and darts out, desperately trying not to acknowledge whoever was waiting outside. 

He slows his pace when he walks down the hall though, trying to figure out what sort of explanation he'll give the Murphys as to why he disappeared for so long, if any at all. 

He stands a few feet away from the door for several minutes, trying to reassure himself and rehearse what he's going to say in his head. He's just about to take the plunge and walk into the room when Connor's dad walks out, cellphone to his ear and already engaged in conversation. 

Humiliated by having been caught just standing there like an idiot, Evan's eyes go downcast and he tries to pretend he doesn't exist. He's not that lucky, though. 

"Evan!" Mr. Murphy exclaims. Evan looks up and sees that he's put a hand to the cellphone's speaker piece. He doesn't look angry, which is good. The prepared excuse jumps to his tongue but Mr. Murphy beats him to it. 

"Connor is awake and asking for you again. Go ahead in. I'll be right back." 

Evan gulps, but is marginally relieved. He needs to talk to Connor, and would very much rather do that than make awkward small talk with his family. 

When he enters the room, Mrs. Murphy is still there and hovering over Connor. He's awake, just as Evan had been promised, but looks very drowsy and out of it. He's not even scowling at the attention from him mom, but his whole face lights up when he sees Evan. 

Evan heart swells when he makes eye contact with the boy he's in love with, and suddenly it feels like they're the only two people in the room. 

The spell is broken pretty quickly though. 

"Evan! I'm so glad you're back! Look honey, there he is. I told you I wasn't lying." 

"Mom, can you give us a few minutes?" Connor asks weakly, only pulling his eyes away from Evan for a brief moment to flicker his gaze towards his mom. 

"Oh…" Cynthia doesn't leave right away, just glances in between Evan and Connor before a knowing look appears on her face. "Of course. Call me if either of you need anything. I want to go ask your nurse a question, anyway." 

"Kay, mom!" Connor retorts, sounding like he's already completely lost his patience. It's reassuring to Evan, seeing Connor behave like he normally does. 

As soon as Cynthia leaves the room, Evan feels his eyes fill up. "Connor," he gasps. "I'm so, so sorry." 

Connor's eyebrows wrinkle. "What the fuck are you sorry for? You know what, just. Come here." 

Evan sprints over to Connors side and they reach out at the same time for each other's hand. Evan's palm is sweaty and he's shaking noticeably, but he can't even bring himself to care. He's just glad that Connor is okay. 

Well, as okay as he can be. He's still hurt, and it's still his fault. The tears in his eyes spill over and he lets out a sob. 

"I can't believe I let this happen," he whimpers. "I should have stopped you. I shouldn't have let you leave last night. I knew what you were going to do but I thought you'd be okay. I should have known better!" 

"Ev, there was no way you could have known this would happen." Connor shifts, winces, and Evan's heart squeezes with sympathy pain. "You said it yourself," he continues. "You wouldn't have gotten beaten up if I hadn't lied and gotten expelled. This is my fault." 

"But you wouldn't have had to lie at all if it wasn't for me." Evan squeezes his eyes closed. "I'm no good for you, Connor. All I've done done since we've gotten together is make your life worse." 

"That's not true, Evan. You have no idea how un-fucking true that is. You made everything so much better. You make my life worth living." 

Evan shakes his head and pulls his hand away from Connor's. "You're not looking at the bigger picture. You're in the hospital because of me. You're expelled because of me. It's wrong for me to be so selfish and continue to stay in your life when all I'm doing is messing it up." 

Connor's eyes widen and and he tries to sit up, which causes him to yelp in pain before giving up and sinking back against the pillow. This only succeeds in making Evan cry harder, and he wraps his arms around himself in an attempt to keep from reaching out and comforting him. 

Connor seems to recover quickly, though. "Please don't say what I think you're about to say, Evan. You're wrong, you're so fucking wrong." 

"I'm not. I should have done this last night. Maybe then this never would have happened. I think we should break up, Connor." 

"Evan, no." Tears have jumped to Connors eyes and he looks wild and panicked. His expression morphs into one of anger pretty quickly, though. "I can't fucking believe this. I thought you were different. Was all of this just some sort of joke to you?" 

Evan has no idea what Connor's talking about. "What?" 

"Our whole relationship. Did it even mean anything to you at all? Or were you just hanging around me because you needed a fucking bodyguard?" 

"Connor, I-" 

"No, just fucking leave. Get out of here." 

Evan's head is spinning. He can't leave it like this. "But. But-" 

"I said get out!" Connor is yelling now, and Evan backs off instantly and runs out of the room. 

He doesn't run into another Murphy in the hallway, and he doesn't spiral into another panic attack, either. In fact, he's weirdly calm in the elevator. Numb, almost. Like all of his frayed nerve endings have been cauterized ten times over. 

There's only one thing left to do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, uh. I'M SORRY. A 5 month hiatus and this is what I have to show for it. I'm an asshole. BUT. I can at least promise you that this fic has a happy ending. We just gotta go through some shit first.
> 
> The next chapter is already written and will probably be out tomorrow!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added chapter 11 yesterday, so if you're picking up this fic again after a while make sure you don't miss it!
> 
> WARNINGS: discussion of suicidal thoughts and bullying

Evan’s outside of the hospital waiting for his Uber when the worst happens. 

“Evan? Is that you, sweetie?” 

He looks in the direction of the voice, heart clenching in panic when he recognizes the person that had called out to him. It’s one of his mother’s coworkers, apparently outside for a smoking break. 

“Yeah, it’s me,” he says quietly, unsure if his voice was even loud enough for her to hear. He makes his way over to her and she opens her arms after putting out her cigarette, apparently wanting a hug. God, they don’t know each other _that_ well. He’s met her maybe four or five times in passing. Plus, the last thing Evan wants is to be touched right now. 

However, since he has absolutely no idea how to advocate for his own needs, he approaches her and lets himself be pulled into an awkward side hug. 

“What are you doing here, dear? Is everything okay?” 

No, nothing is okay. “Yeah, I was just. Visiting a friend. He’ll be alright.” 

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry to hear that.” 

“It’s okay.” It’s not. 

“Heidi is just about to finish her shift. Are you leaving? Do you need a ride home?” 

“Oh, I was just… I have an Uber on the way?” 

“Well, cancel it. No use in paying for a ride when you’ll both be going the same way.” 

Evan wants to argue. He wants to tell her his mom is probably going right to class, but it’s Saturday and that excuse wouldn’t work. 

He just can’t be around his mother right now. 

However, if his mom is going home, then he wouldn’t be alone long enough to carry out his plan anyway. 

Shit. Oh, well. It’ll just have to wait until tomorrow. 

Evan lets himself be lead to his mother’s floor. There’s an attempt at forced conversation with her coworker that ultimately fails, so Evan is actually relieved when they finally meet up with his mom. 

Seeing her face makes him wants to break out into a fresh round of sobs because he knows he’s going to hurt her so, so badly. She probably won’t ever recover. But, she’ll be better off eventually. Everyone will. 

“Hi, sweetheart! What are you doing here?” She’s so happy to see him and it breaks Evan’s heart. 

“Um.” He decides he doesn’t have the energy to lie. At least not right now, not about this. “Connor’s here. He’s gonna be okay, but they wanna keep him for observation.” 

“Oh god, I’m so sorry, hun. What happened?” 

Again, there’s no use in lying. They’re not even together anymore, so why sugar coat it? It no longer matters what his mom thinks of Connor. “He got into a fight.” 

She doesn’t seem judgmental, though. “Oh. Well, I hope he recovers quickly.” 

“Me too.” 

“You here for a ride home? I was just leaving.” 

Evan nods and follows her out of the hospital. She asks him various questions, desperate attempts at conversation. He tries for her, he really does. But his battery is drained and there’s only so much he can give her. 

Throughout the car ride home, Evan does his best at holding back his tears. His mother has gone quiet, and that leaves too much room for him to think. 

He’s lost Connor. It was the right thing to do, but he misses him terribly already. Evan feels like there’s this huge hole in his heart that aches more and more every second. 

He’s just… so sad. It’s sadness like he’s never experienced before, bone-deep and soul-crushing. 

His mom is perceptive. Too perceptive. “Evan, what’s going on? This isn’t just about Connor being in the hospital, is it?” 

He has no idea how she knew that. Evan’s chest aches, throat closing up and tears burning his eyes to the point of blurring his vision. He can’t hold it in anymore. 

He lets out a pained sob. “Connor and I broke up.” 

Heidi swerves the car over to the side of the road and turns to face him. He really wishes she hadn’t done that. “Oh, god. I’m sorry, Evan. That’s awful. What happened?” 

Evan scrubs at his eyes and tries not to have a full-on meltdown in his mother’s car. “I broke up with him. He got beat up because of me.” 

She doesn’t press for more information and Evan is grateful. “That’s tough, honey. I’m sorry that happened. This is your first break-up, huh?” 

Evan nods, hugging himself and closing his eyes. 

“Those are always the toughest.” She reaches out and rubs his shoulder. “I know it hurts now, but it’ll be okay. This is only temporary. Time heals all wounds.” 

Evan doesn’t think that’s true. Not at all. Nothing, not even time can fix any of this. It’s just too big. 

“I love you, Evan. So, so much.” 

That’s when he breaks. He doesn’t know why, but for some reason he can’t handle those words right now. That simple reminder is just too painful. He lets himself cry, open and loud, and his mom leans over awkwardly for a hug. 

“It’s going to be okay, Evan.” She repeats. “I promise.” 

He doesn’t believe her, not for a second. 

He tells her as much. “It’s not. It’s not going to be okay. Nothing is okay, mom. I can’t do this anymore.” 

Fuck. That last part had slipped out and it doesn’t go unnoticed by his mom. She tenses in the embrace and leans back to look at him, gripping his shoulders. “What does that mean, Evan? What do you mean you can’t do this anymore?” 

He just cries harder. 

“Evan, I’m going to ask you something and I want you to answer honestly. I promise I won’t get mad or yell at you, okay?” 

Evan doesn’t respond, just steels himself for what he knows is coming. 

“Do you ever think about hurting yourself, Evan?” Her voice breaks and he realizes she’s crying too. 

“No,” comes the automatic response. “No, no, no.” He’s shaking his head rapidly. “Of course not, I’m fine. Everything is fine.” 

Heidi doesn’t buy it. She takes his hand and squeezes it. “Evan, please tell me the truth. I want to help, but I can’t do that until I know what we’re dealing with. I promise, though. I promise whatever it is, we’ll figure it out.” 

It’s in that moment that Evan realizes that maybe, just maybe he doesn’t want to die. Not necessarily. He just wants all of the pain and suffering to end. He wants all of this to go away. Dying had seemed like his only option, but maybe what he really needs is help. 

Help won’t come unless he tells his mom the truth, though. He has to tell her. He can’t deal with it alone anymore. 

“I…” He takes a deep breath. “Yeah. Okay. I think I need help, mom.” 

He finally takes a glance at her. There are tears rolling down her face but her resolve looks strong. She’s always so strong for him. “We’ll get you help then, baby. Thank you for being honest with me.” 

“I have something else to tell you.” 

“Of course, Evan. I’m listening.” 

It all comes tumbling out. The homework business he ran with Jared, the bullying, how severe it had gotten. How Connor took the fall for him and had been expelled. He shows her his bruises, and explains that Connor was put in the hospital in an attempt to avenge him. He tells her everything, down to the last detail. She listens and nods. She doesn’t interrupt him or scold him even once. 

When he’s finished, he’s shocked at how much lighter he feels. Everything is still a mess, and he has no idea how he’s even going to begin to fix it, but simply talking about it out loud has helped immensely. 

“So, I think I have a plan,” his mom says after he tells her he’s finished relaying everything. “Tell me what you think.” 

“Okay.” 

“I’m going to take you back to the hospital, and we’re going to get you some professional help.” 

Evan shakes his head, but doesn’t argue. He knows deep down that this is what he needs. 

“When you’re starting to feel better, after you’re released from the hospital and think you can handle it, you’ll go back to school and tell them what really happened.” 

“I’m going to get expelled, mom.” 

“I highly doubt that, Evan. You said Jared was only suspended for a week? You’ve never given the school any problems at all. It’s possible you might get away with just a few detentions.” 

“But I was the one doing all the work.” 

“Still. You’re both equally responsible.” 

Evan always knew he would have to tell the truth, eventually. He may have catastrophized it in his mind a bit, because his mother definitely has a point. 

“Okay,” he says after a few moments. 

“But first I’m going down to talk to the school. Have you ever told anyone about the bullying?” 

“Once. When it first started happening. They didn’t really do anything though so I just never bothered trying again.” 

“Well, I’m going to make sure they do something. I’m not going to let this continue.” She sounds angry for the first time, her gentle tone disappearing. “Those bruises are just awful, honey.” 

“I know.” 

They’re silent for a few beats. “You ready to go?” 

“Yeah, I guess.” 

“I promise it’s not going to be so bad. I know you’re scared, but I’ll visit you every day. You’re going to feel so much better when all of this is over.” 

“I hope so.” 

“I know so.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: discussion of depression, hospitalization, self hatred, suicidal ideation

The hospital winds up not being as horrible as Evan expected it to be, but it’s definitely not perfect, either. 

When it’s good, it’s structured and relaxing. Every day there is a schedule and Evan always knows what to expect, which he appreciates. There’s art therapy and music and movie nights, as well as ample free time that allows him to read the books his mother had brought him from home. Evan sees her more than he expected to, probably because she works in the same hospital. She visits every day just like she’d promised, and it’s a reassuring comfort every time. 

When the hospital is bad, it’s loud and stressful; most likely because a patient is yelling at the nursing staff, but Evan always makes sure to escape these situations and hide in his room, lest the anger be redirected at him somehow. 

His social anxiety definitely doesn’t help matters much, either. 

He wouldn’t mind making a friend or two, but when someone tries to talk to him he naturally clams up. This has always been the case even before his admission, but he finds it hard to trust his fellow patients after he’s seen some of them throw their pudding across the room or try to attack a member of the staff. Evan doesn’t want to do anything that might provoke someone, especially since he’s an expert at always saying the wrong thing. 

There’s also the issue of his medication change. The resident psychiatrist he’d been assigned to decided that his current prescription of Lexapro isn’t doing its job (no shit) and switched him over to Paxil, which is supposed to help with depression, social anxiety, and panic attacks. 

That’s all well and good on paper, but adjusting to a new med is always hell. He’s fatigued and dizzy a majority of the time, and has seemed to completely lost his already meager appetite. Evan has to eat, however, as the staff members literally won’t let him leave the dining area without finishing at least half his food. He chokes it down most days and tries hard to suppress his gags. The food isn’t even that good to begin with. 

Overall, he thinks being in the hospital is helping. Maybe. He’s still deeply heartbroken over the Connor situation, and most of his time is spent thinking about him and wondering if he’s healing well or doing okay without him. It’s presumptuous to think that Connor needs Evan in the way that he had grown to need Connor, but still. The look on Connor’s face when Evan told him that he was ending it slashed a knife through his heart and he’s not sure that wound will ever heal. 

Evan is still so, so very sad. When he’s not distracted with other things, he cries in his bed and reminisces on the good times he shared with Connor. He’s glad he doesn’t have a roommate yet, because his sobs are open and loud and he does not try to suppress them at all. 

He goes to talk therapy every other day and tries to sort out his feelings with a sweet woman who has a lot of plants in her office and a soft, calming voice. Evan tells her that he knows he’s depressed, and has been for a really long time, but the sadness he feels for his breakup with Connor is different. Depression is like a warm, heavy blanket that traps him underneath it, burying him in thoughts of hopelessness and despair. But with Connor, it feels like a piece of his soul is missing, like there’s a bottomless pit in his stomach that used to be filled with warmth and security. Being with Connor had made him feel alive, like he had a reason to get out of bed every morning. But now, Connor is walking around with a vital part of Evan’s heart that he doesn’t want to live without. 

“That’s not healthy, Evan,” she tells him during the session in which he manages to articulate this. “Connor shouldn’t be the only reason you want to live. You should want to live for yourself. If Connor just happens to be along for the ride with you, then great. But putting that kind of investment and pressure on a relationship isn’t fair to either of you.” 

Evan knows that this makes sense logically, but how can he learn to live for himself? He’s a mess, a total human disaster. The fact that Connor had ever liked him at all, much less loved him apparently, is a mystery. There’s no way he’d be able to do what Connor did - he can’t learn to love Evan Hansen for who he is, because who he is is just a fundamentally useless and shit person. 

Evan tells his therapist this, because there’s no use in hiding it from her. These are his deepest, darkest thoughts, but he can’t bring himself to be embarrassed or ashamed of them. In a few days he’ll be discharged and he’ll never have to see this woman again. 

Besides, she already knows he wanted to kill himself, so he can’t exactly save much face at this point. 

His therapist doesn’t seem judgemental; she just nods along, quiet and willing to let him continue. Evan has to physically bite his tongue to prevent his tendency to ramble. The sound of his own voice unnerves him sometimes, especially when he thinks he’s been talking for too long, and he was heading towards a rabbit hole that he just doesn’t have to energy to go down today. 

“You don’t like yourself very much, do you Evan?” 

Evan shrugs. “Not really.” 

“Is there anything you do like about yourself? Can you name something for me?” 

Evan has to wrack his brain. “I’m good at school, I guess. I got a B recently though, so that point doesn’t really stand.” 

“A B is still a good grade, Evan.” 

“I’m a straight A student, though. I mean, like, not to brag, but... I am.” 

“Would you say you put a lot of pressure on yourself?” 

Again, there’s no use in lying to this woman. “Yeah.” 

“I think you should try being a little easier on yourself. Nobody’s perfect. Just keep that in mind, okay?” 

Evan suppresses a sigh. She just doesn’t understand. “Okay,” he says, for the sake of being polite. 

“Now, is there something else you can name? Something else you like about yourself?” 

Evan tries to come up with something, really he does. But the pressure to respond is distracting and he blanks. “I can’t think of anything right now.” 

His therapist simply nods and changes the subject, for which he is extremely grateful. 

Evan doesn’t escape the session without homework, which isn’t surprising. First, she wants him to write down a list of ten things about himself that he likes or is proud of. Second, she suggests writing a letter to Connor, assuring him that he doesn’t have to send it, but insisting that it would be good to get his feelings about the situation down on paper instead of letting them fester in his mind. 

Evan thinks that writing a letter to Connor would definitely be a lot easier than his other assignment, but he promises to at least attempt both. 

When he gets back to his room, he sits down at his desk. He isn’t exactly known for diving into his therapy homework right away; in fact, he’s infamous for avoiding it until the very last minute. However, he doesn’t have anything better to do, and he still has a whole hour before dinner. 

There’s already some markers sitting there from when he was using his stress-relief coloring book, which was also given to him by his mother. They’re not allowed to have anything sharp in their rooms, so a fine-tip crayola marker will have to suffice. 

He could go ask a staff member for a piece of paper, but that’s more social interaction than he’s willing to handle right now. Instead, he rips out a page from the coloring book and flips it over to it’s blank side. 

_Dear Connor,_

_There’s so much I want to say to you, and yet I’m still having trouble figuring out where to begin._

Evan pauses there and taps the marker on his desk. The words he wrote down were painfully accurate. He really doesn’t know how or where to start. 

After some drawn-out contemplation, the words begin to flow a bit more easily. 

_You should know that I miss you terribly. I don’t want you to believe for one second that you don’t mean the entire world to me. You’re my everything, and I love you more than even I can manage to comprehend. My feelings for you are so big that sometimes they scare me. The fear isn’t a bad thing, though. It just draws me in further. You’re a mystery and yet transparent, all at the same time. You take care of me and make me feel so safe and protected. I’ve never felt like that with anyone else before._

_I didn’t want to break up with you. I really, really didn’t. But you deserve better than me, Connor. You deserve someone who isn’t going to infect your life and make it harder than it already is. I’m a disease and I’m dragging you into my own special brand of sickness. I’ve made some really bad and unhealthy choices in the past few months, and somehow I’ve managed to influence you into doing the same thing. I’m not a good person, Connor. You might think you love me, but that’s probably just because you haven’t seen the real Evan Hansen yet._

_Nothing good can come from being with me, but you probably know that now. Please don’t hate me._

_Love,_

_Evan_

Evan doesn’t really feel better after writing the letter, but he doesn’t feel worse, either. He mostly just feels numb again.  


Honestly, there’s a part of his brain that’s nagging at him, loud and persistent, that he’s being a bit melodramatic and needlessly wallowing in his own self-pity. 

Rereading the letter, he doesn’t quite believe his words. Does Evan really think that he’s broken beyond repair? Kind of. But there’s also a small part of him that’s hopeful. Maybe, if he sticks with this new medication, and starts going to regular therapy appointments again, he can start to improve. Maybe his destiny isn’t written in stone. 

His past is still a factor, though. He’s done terrible things. He’s lied, cheated, scammed, and let another person take the fall for something he did. Connor might have screwed up his entire future all because of Evan’s bad life choices. 

But then again, his mother had a good point. Evan still has time to fix his mistakes. He can go to the school and tell them the truth. He can take whatever punishment he gets and learn his lesson from there. Connor may be prickly and violent with a capricious temper, but Evan had always believed he was capable of change. Why can’t he afford himself the same luxury? 

Evan grabs the sheet of paper and rips away the second half of it, right below the first paragraph he’d written. He shreds it into tiny, unrecognizable pieces and dumps them into his trash can, taking pleasure in the way they flutter before disappearing into oblivion. He reaches for a new piece of paper and starts writing. 

_I think I made a mistake when I broke up with you. I may not be perfect, but no human is. I love you in spite of all your faults, and I’m starting to believe that maybe you can love me in spite of mine. I’m still not happy that you went behind my back and did something that I asked you not to do - twice - but that’s something we can talk about and work on. We can grow from this._

_When I get discharged, I’m going to tell the school that I helped run the homework business and that you had nothing to do with it. I’ll take whatever punishment that comes my way. I have to take responsibility for my own actions, and I’ll deal with the consequences when the time comes._

_I love you and I’m so thankful that you tried to help me, but this can’t happen again in the future. You can’t protect me from every little bad thing in this world, especially not if doing so is going to impact your life in a negative way. It isn’t healthy. I have to learn to stand up and protect myself. You’re the one who taught me that. Now you just have to let me do it._

_We can talk about this more in person, because we honestly do have a lot to talk about, but if you’re willing, I’d like to give us another shot._

_I’ll see you again soon._

_Love,_

_Evan_

Despite his therapist’s assurance that he doesn’t need to, Evan has every intention of showing this letter to Connor. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're still sticking with this story, just know you have my upmost gratitude and appreciation. I know it's been a roller coaster. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading, commenting, and giving kudos. It honestly means the world to me.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: discussion of hospitalization, anxiety, mental health in general, suicide attempt

Evan gets a roommate on his fourth night spent in the hospital, and he almost spirals into an panic attack at the thought of having to share his space and interact with another person. He’s relieved however, when he meets the boy named Zach who looks to be about 15. He wrings his hands and seems very quiet and anxious. Zach reminds Evan of himself, especially at that age, and he instantly feels more comfortable. They engage in companionable conversation and it’s almost like having a friend. 

On the sixth day, Evan is told he will be discharged the following morning. 

Although his admission had been voluntary, his care team placed him on a 72-hour psychiatric hold when he admitted to having intentions of harming himself, as well as a plan for doing so. Evan didn’t question it when day three came and passed, although he did get very anxious at the idea that he no longer knew the timeframe for his release. 

The notion that he could possibly be kept here for weeks made him sick to his stomach. He was already missing so much schoolwork, and he didn’t want to fall behind any further than he already had. Also, why were they keeping him longer than they originally planned? Had they decided he’s more screwed up than they thought? 

Evan finally worked up the courage to ask his doctor about it during one of his routine check-ups. He was told that they want to monitor his progress with the new medication and make sure there aren’t any adverse effects. 

This left Evan feeling unnerved; medications can take weeks before they start to kick in. Were they really planning on keeping him here that long? 

He rheuminated on it for longer than he probably should have, but eventually a nurse informed him that he’d be released on Friday, giving him the whole weekend to recuperate and recover before he goes back to school. 

Evan is feeling a lot better than he was before he entered the hospital. He can finally see a light at the end of the dark tunnel that had been his life for so long. He’s hopeful for the future and wants to get better. It’s going to take a lot of time and hard work, he knows this. But he thinks he can do it. He thinks he can be okay. 

However, it’s the night before his discharge that he gets the absolute shock of his life. 

He’s relaxing alone in the common area, listening to an old episode of SVU and using his stress-relief coloring book. In the hallway, he can hear a nurse giving someone a tour of the wing. This isn’t uncommon as they get new admissions every day. Evan just hopes this person is friendly and won’t try to yell at him or steal his food, like he’s seen with some of the other patients. 

“And this is the common area. It’s always open, so feel free to come in and watch tv or just hang out. There’s also a selection of movies in that drawer below the bench over there. Just be mindful of the other patients, dear. This is a shared space.” 

Evan naturally glances up, and the entire bottom of his stomach drops out and falls to his toes when he sees who the nurse had been talking to. 

Standing just outside of the doorway is Connor Murphy, hunched over and looking exhausted with purple bruises still littering his face. He doesn’t seem to notice Evan right away, but soon enough his eyes land on him and then practically bug out of his head. “Evan?” 

“Oh!” The nurse interjects before Evan can respond. “Do you two know each other?” 

There’s a few beats of very tense and awkward silence before Connor speaks up. “We go to high school together.” 

“Well there you go! Now you’ll both have a friend.” 

Evan swallows the gigantic lump in his throat and looks down, fiddling with the blanket he had draped over his legs and biting down hard on his lip. He’s not going to cry. He can’t let himself cry. 

“Anyway,” the nurse continues. “There’s a few more things we have to go over, Connor, but as soon as we’re done you can come back and hang out with Evan. You’d like that, right dear?” 

The question is directed at Evan. “Yeah, uh. Sure.” 

Connor is staring at him blankly, his expression completely unreadable. He pauses for a moment before turning and following the nurse back out into the hall. 

Once Evan gets over the shock of seeing his ex-boyfriend in the last place he would have expected to find him, he grows deeply concerned. Nobody gets admitted to this hospital because they’re doing well. Something bad must have happened. 

Evan’s mind races with the possibilities. Connor had mentioned being suicidal to him before. Had he tried to…? Evan can’t complete that thought, can’t let himself dwell on it because the possibility breaks his heart. There are reasons people might get admitted to a psychiatric unit other than being suicidal, but given everything that’s happened… it’s just too much of a coincidence. 

Evan really wants to talk to Connor, but he doesn’t want to disturb him. Whatever he’s going through, it’s probably best not to bombard him with the possibility of them getting back together so soon. For all Evan knows, Connor could hate his guts. Actually, it’s pretty likely, seeing as how he probably broke his heart. 

Luckily, Connor doesn’t return to the common area and Evan is relieved. However, he knows he won’t be able to avoid him for long. It’s a small unit. Thank god he’s getting released tomorrow. 

Every evening at 9pm, they’re told to line up at the nurse’s station for their nighttime medication. Afterwards, they’re given a drink and a snack since a lot of meds are meant to be taken with food. Evan knows there will be no avoiding Connor during this time, but he thinks if he keeps his head ducked low and eyes trained on the ground, he can convince everyone around him that he’s invisible. 

Evan sits in an isolated corner with his ginger ale and pretzels, curled into himself and feeling nervous. He’s fully aware of Connor’s presence across the room, and is watching his every move out of the corner of his eye. 

Nothing could have prepared him for when Connor approaches him though, parking himself across the table that Evan is sitting at. He remains standing, even though he’s still hunched and carrying himself in a very delicate way. Evan knows that there’s no way his broken ribs have healed by now. He must still be in a lot of pain. 

“Are you okay?” Connor asks bluntly. 

“W-what?” Evan stammers. Of course he’s not okay. Well, he’s getting there, slowly. But he’s still a patient in a mental hospital. 

Evan doesn’t say any of this though. Honestly, his heart is singing because Connor is actually talking to him, and he doesn't want to do anything to mess it up. 

“I asked if you’re okay.” 

“Oh. Uh, yeah. I will be. I’m getting discharged tomorrow.” 

“What happened?”  


God. Evan loves Connor, truly he does, but his acerbic and blunt way of talking can be very exhausting sometimes. 

“I’d rather not talk about it. But, can I ask you the same question?” 

Connor shrugs. “I got discharged from the hospital the day after you visited then went home and tried to overdose on my pain meds. They took me back to the hospital to pump my stomach and kept me until a bed opened up here.” 

Nausea ripples through Evan at the realization that Connor almost died, especially of his own volition. “You… oh my god, Connor. I’m so sorry. I-I’m glad you... I’m glad it didn’t work. I’m glad you’re still here.” 

“You’re a fucking liar. You couldn’t care less about me.” Just like that, his soft tone of voice has turned harsh and bitter. 

“That’s not true!” he knows he sounds a bit hysterical but he can’t help it. “I love you.” 

“If you loved me, you never would have left me,” Connor’s voice is louder now, and Evan is keenly aware that they’re attracting the attention of some of the other patients, as well as the nursing staff. 

“Connor, please, let me explain-” 

“You don’t need to explain shit!” 

“Alright boys,” a male nurse says as he darts across the room. “Break it up. Connor, go take a seat over there across the room.” 

Shockingly, Connor doesn’t argue and does as he’s told. Evan can only conclude that he must really be in a lot of pain for him to surrender so easily, especially to an authority figure. 

Just like that, the conversation is over, and Evan is left feeling sick and unsettled. 

Morning comes quickly. Evan had expected to be tossing and turning in his bed all night, restless after his conversation with Connor, but the Paxil knocks him out pretty quickly. He’s awoken by the harsh overhead lights being flipped on as a nurse enters his room to take his vitals. It’s always a rude and jarring awakening, and Evan’s pulse races with the anxiety it causes every time. 

As the nurse wraps a blood pressure cuff around his arm, she informs him he’ll be discharged after breakfast and will be allowed to leave as soon as a parent or guardian arrives to take him home. Evan knows from experience that his could mean he’ll be stuck in the hospital for the rest of the day, maybe even until tomorrow, but he tries to stay positive. 

After vitals, there’s still a half an hour until they’ll be called out of their rooms for breakfast. Evan wraps a blanket around himself and sits at his desk, rereading the letter he’d written for Connor. He wants to make sure it says everything exactly as he intended it. Evan deems it acceptable on his third read-through and folds the two pieces of paper together, tucking them into the pocket of his pajama bottoms. 

Soon enough, Evan hears a knock on his door. After his barely audible “Come in,” one of his favorite nurses pokes her head through the door and informs him it’s time for breakfast. Evan nods, getting up changing into jeans and a sweatshirt. The hospital is always so cold and he swears that the air conditioner is on, despite the late-September temperatures outside growing chilly. 

Nerves fill his stomach as he approaches the dining area, knowing he could run into Connor at any moment. Luckily, he’s nowhere in sight and Evan assumes he’s having trouble getting out of bed. He’d never been a morning person. 

Connor slowly slinks into the room about ten minutes later, hair all bed-ruffled and eyes half lidded and sleepy. He looks absolutely adorable, and it makes Evan’s heart clench with the desire to go up and kiss him. 

He tears his eyes away before Connor notices his stare and refocuses on his eggs and toast. 

Zach comes over to sit with Evan and he’s glad for the distraction. They chat idly, Evan sneaking glances over at Connor every so often. He’s sitting at a table with a few other patients but doesn’t try to talk to any of them, just swirls his spoon around in what looks to be a cup of yogurt. 

Breakfast ends and a spike of anxiety grips Evan’s stomach in a vice. He needs to meet up with Connor somehow so he can give him the letter, but he has a feeling Connor will try to sneak away to his room until they’re called out for their morning group meeting. 

Actually, Connor may not even be required to participate in that at all since he’s injured and needs to rest. There is a very real possibility that Evan will not see Connor again before he gets discharged. 

Evan throws out his trash and darts into the hallway. Connor is still in the dining area, so the plan is to catch him when he comes out. He’ll have to pass Evan to get to his room, because the other side of the hallway only leads to the nursing station and a dead end. 

Sure enough, a few minutes later Connor enters the hallway, and his eyes immediately land on Evan. They dart away quickly though, and Connor puts his head down and picks up the pace, passing Evan and making his way down the hall. 

Evan panics for a moment before turning on his heel and yelping out a strained “Wait!” 

Thankfully, Connor stops. He doesn’t say anything, just stops walking and turns around, fixing Evan with a hard and stony glare. 

Shaking with adrenaline and nerves, Evan reaches into his pocket and fishes out the letter, unfolding the papers with sweaty hands and hoping he doesn’t smudge the ink. 

“I know you probably hate me right now, but I wrote this for you and I’d really appreciate it if you read it? If you want to, that is. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I’d totally understand. But, it’s everything I want to say to you except I’m better at writing out my feelings rather than talking about them so it would really mean a lot to me if you gave it a look. It starts with the smaller piece so you should read that first.” Oh god, he knows he’s rambling but he literally cannot stop himself. 

“I’m getting discharged soon,” he continues. “Assuming my mom comes to get me on time, so that’s why I’m giving it to you now. Maybe you should wait a couple days to read it, though. I know you have more important stuff going on.” 

Connor raises an eyebrow suspiciously, but the glare melts away into an expression of neutrality. He hesitates, but eventually reaches out and takes the papers from Evan. 

They stand there in an awkward silence for a beat too long, and Evan shrinks under Connor’s intense gaze. 

“I don’t,” Connor says. 

Evan wracks his brain. “What?” 

“I don’t hate you,” he tells him simply. 

“Oh, that’s, uh... that’s good to hear. Thank you?” 

Evan swears he sees the left corner of Connor’s mouth quirk up ever so slightly, though it could have just been his imagination. Connor stays quiet, though. 

“Well, um. Anyway. I should get back to my room and start packing. I hope you feel better soon.” 

Connor’s gaze is just as piercing as ever. “You too.” 

Evan nods and makes his way down the hall, only taking a few steps before it occurs to him that Connor would be going the same way. He’s probably walking behind him right now. Oh god, how awkward. Evan picks up his pace significantly and darts into his room. 

He takes his time packing. He’d been given a large brown paper bag for his belongings and it’s on the verge of ripping; his mom brought him a lot of clothes from home and most of them are sweatpants and sweatshirts that take up a lot of room. He folds everything as neatly as possible and places them in the bag, then sets his books and everything else on top of the clothes. It takes him all of ten minutes. 

With nothing better to do, Evan goes to the morning group meeting. As predicted, Connor isn’t there and Evan lets out a puff of breath that he didn’t know he’d been holding. 

The meeting is the same thing as it is every day. The nurse running the session, her name is Kate, updates them on their weather (since they’re stuck in the hospital and never have the option of going outside, much to Evan’s disdain) and then tells them about a few news items she heard about on the radio that morning. She asks them to go around and introduce themselves, but mercifully gives them the option of passing. Evan always passes. 

She goes over the day’s schedule that’s written on the whiteboard and Evan zones out. He’s thinking about Connor again, wondering if he’s all alone in his room or if he has a roommate to keep him company. Evan knows Connor would probably rather be alone, but that’s not always the best thing when you’re feeling depressed or suicidal. Sometimes it’s nice to have some company to pull you out of your own thoughts. 

Evan snaps back into reality when the group dispearses, everyone beginning to file out of the room. He follows suit, but is stopped short when another nurse - Evan forgets her name - calls him over to the station. Worry churns in his stomach, but she smiles a kind smile and tell him his mom has arrived to pick him up. 

Sure enough, on the other side of the half-door that separates the patient ward from the waiting area, front desk, and elevators, his mom is standing and beams at him when she catches his eye. Evan melts in relief, and feels an urge to run over and hug her. He can’t, because he’s not officially discharged and therefore not allowed on the other side of the door, but he compromises by giving her a big smile and a little wave. 

She waves back. “Ready to go, honey?” She asks. 

He nods. “I just gotta go get my things.” 

Evan races back to his room, does a once over, grabs his bag, and heads out. 

He’s undeniably disappointed that he isn’t going to get to see Connor one last time before he leaves, but right now he just wants to go home. Connor will be discharged eventually and Evan will see him then. Hopefully. 

A nurse opens the half-door for Evan and he steps out, feeling free. He sets down his bag on a chair and wraps his arms tightly around his mother’s shoulders. She hugs him back twice as hard and they don’t let go right away. 

Evan feels a lot better after that hug. 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No real warnings for this chapter besides lots of anxiety and descriptions of bullying

Being on the outside world again is a bit jarring, and Evan realizes it’s going to take some getting used to. Everything seems brighter and louder, and it’s like his brain is lagging behind slightly. He has to keep reminding himself that he’s no longer on a set schedule, and he can eat or watch tv or go on his phone whenever he wants. 

His phone. He pretty much wasn’t allowed to access his phone at all while in the hospital, for whatever strange reason. The rule was that if a family member brought him his phone, he’d have to keep it at the front desk and would only be allowed to get a phone number out of it while under the supervision of a staff member. He could then take the phone number and use the ward’s outdated corded phone to make a call, but Evan never tried that even once. First of all, he didn’t really have anyone to contact besides his mom, and she visited him every day anyway. Second, the phone was a huge point of contention among patients. People were always fighting over it, and it was stress that Evan just didn’t want or need to deal with. 

It was stuff like this that sometimes made Evan feel more like a prisoner rather than a patient. 

He asks his mom if she has his phone and she tells him to reach into her purse and find it, since she’s driving. He’s always felt uncomfortable doing that but digs around anyway and fishes it out quickly. 

He presses the home button and when the screen lights up he’s shocked to find numerous notifications. From several different people, even. 

There’s a lot of notifications from Jared. 

**Mon, Sept 24th, 3:20 PM:  
**

**[Jared]:** dude i’m bored. suspension is actually kind of lame 

**Mon, Sept 24th, 4:50 PM:**

**[Jared]:** are u ignoring me 

**[Jared]:** fuck u too 

**Mon, Sept 24th, 5:59 PM:**

**[Jared]:** omg. alana beck just facebook messaged me and told me u weren’t in school today 

**[Jared]:** she wants me to give u ur homework but i can’t do that if uR NOT ANSWERING ME 

**[Jared]:** what gives dude u never miss school??? 

**Mon, Sept 24th, 7:46 pm:  
**

**[Jared]:** i had my mom call your mom and she told me ur sick with the flu, but that still doesn’t explain why you’re ignoring my texts 

**[1 missed call from Jared, Tues, Sept 25th, 7:04 AM]**

**Tues, Sept 25th, 9:07 AM:**

**[Jared]:** r u dyin or something jfc 

**[2 missed calls from Jared, Tues Sept 25th, 7:30 PM]**

**Wed, Sept 26th, 1:09 PM:**

**[Jared]:** so i messaged zoe murphy to see if she knew what was up with you and she told me what happened with ur bf. he got the shit beat out of him and he was in the hospital?? 

Evan had no idea Jared and Zoe were on speaking terms, but then again, Jared will gossip without abandon with literally anyone, so it’s not terribly surprising. 

Apparently Zoe is no saint when it comes to gossiping either, though she may have just been using the conversation as an excuse to rant. 

**[Jared]:** also dude - get this. she told me he took the fall for the homework business thing. i won’t have detention at all when i get back to school. ur off the hook 

**[Jared]:** i kinda like that murphy kid now. 

**[Jared]:** stop fucking ignoring me!! 

**Wed, Sept 26th, 9:03 PM:**

**[Jared]:** ur mom told my mom that ur in the hospital with the flu... feel better i guess 

That’s where the texts and calls end. For once, Evan is grateful that apparently Jared didn’t care enough to try to visit him, or press for further information. 

He has three Facebook messages from Zoe Murphy from earlier in the week. Oh, god. 

**Sun Sept 24th 6:10 PM:**

**[Zoe Murphy]:** Hi Evan, this is Zoe Murphy, Connor’s sister. I just wanted to let you know that Connor was released from the hospital today. He’s okay, just in pain and on bedrest.  
**[Zoe Murphy]:** He told me about your relationship. I hope you’re okay with me knowing you two were dating, but we kind of had to drag it out of him. We all wanted to know why he was asking for you so much in the hospital.  
**[Zoe Murphy]:** I’m sorry you two broke up. Maybe I’m overstepping, but I felt like you at least deserved to know that he’s doing okay now. 

These were from Sunday night, before Connor’s suicide attempt, apparently. There’s no follow up from her after that. 

Apparently the Murphy’s managed to keep Connor’s attempt under wraps, because there’s nothing from Jared mentioning it. Evan is sure that even if he wasn’t answering his phone, Jared would be relaying the “gossip” for him to find later. 

He does a quick scour of social media; Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Nothing is out of the ordinary. 

It seems that no one knows the real reason behind Evan’s hospitalization besides his mom and Connor, and nobody outside of Connor’s family (at least not Jared and most likely nobody else from school) knows about Connor’s attempt or second hospitalization. 

Okay, good. That’s good. He can handle that. 

Evan feels bad that Connor’s family had pressured him into telling them about their relationship, though. Was Connor even out to his family? Evan doesn’t think he ever mentioned that. He really hopes he hadn’t been forced to come out. That would be super shitty and unfair, plus Connor would be really furious at them. 

Evan decides to text Jared. He feels extremely guilty for not answering his texts or calls for an entire week, even though the circumstances had been out of his control. 

**Fri, Sept 28th, 5:12 PM:**

**[Evan]:** Hey, I just got discharged from the hospital today. I’m home now. Sorry about missing your texts and calls - my mom had my phone at home and I was too sick to use it anyway. I’ll be back at school on Monday morning. 

Two hours later, Evan receives a response. 

**Fri, Sept 28th, 7:01 PM:**

**[Jared]:** cool. did you read everything i sent? how wild is that shit dude 

**[Evan]:** I’m going to go into school on Monday and tell the truth. 

**[Jared]:** that’s ballsy  
**[Jared]:** do you know why he got beat up tho? was it some kind of gang war 

**[Evan]:** Connor’s not in a gang. 

**[Jared]:** a v o i d a n c e 

**[Evan]:** I got beat up after he got expelled. Usually nobody messes with me when he’s around, but since he wasn’t I got cornered in the bathroom and Connor didn’t like that very much so he went to go defend me. Which was stupid. It was three against one and there were bats involved, apparently. He’s pretty messed up and will probably be out of school for a while. 

It takes a couple of minutes for Jared to respond. 

**[Jared]:** really? that sucks dude. 

It’s about as much empathy as Evan believes that Jared is willing to display so he lets the conversation die there. 

His phone pings with a text about five minutes later, though. 

**[Jared]:** i’m taking you to school on monday. be ready by 7 bc i wanna stop and get a donut 

Once Evan gets over the initial shock of Jared willingly taking the risk of being seen with him at school, he’s left with a bloom of affection in his chest. 

In his own strange and completely on-brand way, Jared is showing that he does in fact, care. 

Evan spends the rest of the weekend dreading Monday morning. He knows the first thing he’s going to do is go straight to the principal’s office and confess, but he obviously isn’t looking forward to it. 

Thousands of possible scenarios sift through his mind at a rapid pace. He could get expelled. Lose any hope of a scholarship. Get rejected from his dream schools. Have detention for the rest of the school year. This could go on his permanent record. All of his teachers might wind up hating him. People that had been using his services could get caught and hate him too. Also, if any of those people were in fact Roz and his friends, he could wind up dead. 

It takes Evan longer than it probably should for him to realize his breathing has picked up. If he doesn’t find a distraction soon, he’s going to have a panic attack. 

He wishes he could text Connor. He would kill to cling to his waist and go for a ride on the motorcycle right now. 

He considers, for the briefest of moments, going to visit Connor in the hospital. He really wants to see him, but logically he knows that this is not the best thing for Connor right now. Evan needs to give him some space to heal, both mentally and physically. Besides, he really doesn’t want to come off as the creepy, clingy ex. 

He goes for a walk instead, and returns home feeling a bit calmer and more clear-headed. 

Somehow he makes it to Sunday night. He barely sleeps, restless and scared. He wakes up feeling like he barely slept, and he’s shaking and weak as he goes about his morning routine. 

He takes an Ativan even though they tend to make him a little sleepy and that’s the last thing he needs right now, but it had been necessary to quell the anxiety that’s almost completely overwhelming him today. 

Jared shows up at 7:06 which isn’t entirely surprising since he tends to run late, but it had given Evan six whole minutes to panic spiral about why he wasn’t on time. Did Jared forget about him? Die in some kind of fiery car wreck? It’s too late for Evan to take the bus now which he realizes is a selfish thought because if Jared is hurt or dead, getting to school on time shouldn’t be on his list of priorities. He chastises himself for being a such a dick and stares at his phone while he watches the numbers climb and debates on whether or not he should give Jared a call. He’s about to unlock his phone to do just that when a notification pops up. It’s a one-worded text from Jared that simply reads “here.” 

He breathes an extremely heavy sigh of relief and grabs his backpack, slinging it over his right shoulder before leaving the house. His heart hammers as he approaches Jared’s car, though. Every step is an inch closer to his doom. 

Jared barely glances at him when he gets in the car, but he does initiate a conversation after they pull out of Evan’s driveway. “So the flu, huh?” 

Evan gulps. God, he fucking hates lying, but the last thing he wants to do is tell Jared where he was really spending his time. “Yeah, it was… pretty bad.” 

“You’re not still contagious, are you? Because if you are it’s a real dick move getting in my car anyway.” 

“I’m not. I’m fine.” 

“I don’t know. You look kinda pale and sweaty,” Jared observes with a quick glance to his right. He grabs the collar of his t-shirt and holds it over his nose and mouth dramatically. 

“That’s probably because I’m freaking out about telling the principal the truth about who really helped with the homework business.” 

“I salute you, man. That takes guts. What you do you want from Dunkin?” 

It takes Evan a moment to become aware of his surroundings. They’re in line at the drive-thru of Dunkin Donuts and Jared is looking at him expectantly. 

Evan doesn’t have any kind of appetite at all, but an orange juice or bottle of water would definitely help with the dry mouth he’s currently experiencing. Except he can’t have either of those things, because with Connor gone, Evan has decided to ban himself from consuming any and all liquids while at school to avoid needing the bathroom and inevitably getting attacked again. 

He doesn’t tell Jared any of this because he knows it’ll just end in mockery, so he simply shakes his head and mutters a “nothing, thanks.” 

The ride ends too quickly and soon enough they’re at school. Evan gets out of the car and tries his hardest not to overthink. He’s just going to walk into the office, say what he needs to say and then it’ll be over with. He can do this. He’s rehearsed it a thousand times in his head. He has no idea what’s going to happen afterwards, but he’ll deal with that when the time comes. 

He’s jarred from his thoughts as he feels a light slap on his shoulder. “You got this, dude,” Jared says before sauntering away, through the double doors of the main entrance to the school. 

Deep breaths. He just needs to keep taking deep breaths. 

Evan wastes no time, just like he’d promised himself. He goes to the administrative office and asks if he can speak with the principal, then fidgets on a chair as he waits. Evan counts backwards from a hundred in his head to keep his anxiety from building up to an uncontrollable level, and thankfully it seems to work for the most part. 

He’s shaking and sweating and every instinct in his scrawny little body is telling him to bolt, but he’s not going to. He’s here. He’s doing this. 

The door to the principal’s office opens and Evan’s name is called and his stomach drops so fast he’s worried he might throw up for a second. But he doesn’t. He just gets up and enters the room, taking a seat and trying to calm himself as much as he possibly can. 

“So Mr. Hansen, what brings you in here today?” 

“I did it,” Evan word-vomits. His voice is so shaky, fuck. “That is, I helped Jared Kleinman. With the Facebook group where we were doing other student’s homework for a profit. It wasn’t Connor Murphy. It was just Jared and I.” 

The principal eyes him up suspiciously. “How do I know you’re telling the truth and not just covering up for Connor, Evan?” 

Evan takes a moment to exhale. He hadn’t prepared a response for that. He wracks his brain. 

“Connor and Jared don’t exactly get along, Sir. You can… you can ask anyone in this school. Jared provokes Connor and they argue all the time. I don’t think they’d ever be able to work on something like this together. Plus, I mean… Connor doesn’t really even do his own homework, so…” 

The principal nods. “Why would he lie, then?” 

"To cover for me. We're... friends. He didn't want to see me blow my chance at a scholarship or... you know. Something like that." 

It’s silent for a tense moment or two and Evan swallows hard. 

“I’m disappointed, Evan. You’re at the top of your class. You never get in trouble. You were always such a good example to the other students here.” 

Evan tears up, but presses on and just decides to be truthful. “I really needed the money.” 

“And you couldn’t get an after-school job, why?” 

Evan shrugs. “I’m just… good at this kind of stuff. It comes naturally to me. Plus, I have social anxiety and the thought of dealing with a bunch of people after doing it all day at school seemed really draining.” 

The principal nods. “I’m going to have to punish you for this, you know.” 

Evan’s breath catches and his chest tightens. This is it, oh god.” 

“Detention for the next two weeks.” 

Evan stares ahead, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it never comes. 

“Really? That’s it?” 

“Don’t make me change my mind, Mr. Hansen. This is your first offense. You’ve always been a great student and it’s obvious that you have a bright future ahead of you. I couldn’t live with myself if something got on your permanent record to jeopardize that, especially not for something as minor as this.” 

Evan tears up again, but this time it’s in sheer relief. He wants to get up and hug the man in front of him but he’s obviously not going to do that, so he just settles on a tiny “Thank you, thank you so, so much.” 

“Is that all? Anyone else you’d like to name?” 

“No, it was just me and Jared, honest.” 

“Alright then. You’re free to go.” 

Evan starts to get up, but another pressing thought burns in his mind. “Wait… what about. What about Connor? He’s not expelled anymore, right?” 

The principal seems to consider for a moment and it makes Evan nervous. “I suppose not. Unlike you, he’s given us a lot of issues over the years, but it wouldn’t be fair to expel him for something he didn’t do.” 

“Great. Okay, good. Thank you, Sir. That. That’s good news.” 

The principal nods. “Get yourself to class now, Mr. Hansen.” 

Evan leaves that office feeling like he’s floating on a cloud. 

Things are finally, finally starting to look up. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much to warn here besides the usual. Anxiety and descriptions of bullying, plus shitty self-care

Life at school without Connor is… rough. To say the least. 

Despite Heidi having to physically come down to the school and complain to the administration as well as threaten to sue them if Evan ever gets injured like that again, the bullying hasn’t ceased. 

Since Evan was at least able to name Roz as one of the perpetrators, he’d gotten suspended. However, there are still plenty of people at the school that make his life a living hell, including Roz’s friends who Evan should really learn the names of. Either way, he still gets shoved into lockers and thrown into dumpsters and now there’s the addition of slurs being thrown into the mix since pretty much the entire school found out that Connor and Evan had been dating. 

He doesn’t have anyone to walk him to class or eat lunch with and quite frankly, he feels naked without wearing Connor’s jacket. He still has it stuffed in his closet, but just the thought of putting it on now sends a sharp, aching pain through his heart. Connor probably wouldn’t want him to wear it, anyway. 

At least he hasn’t gotten seriously beaten up again. Evan knows that this is a direct product of making sure he’s never alone. He doesn’t go into any isolated hallways and avoids the bathrooms entirely, just in case. He thinks he’s probably dehydrated if the splitting headaches he deals with almost every day are anything to go by, but that could also just be the stress. He doesn’t really care. 

He hasn’t heard from Connor at all. It’s Thursday, and Connor had been admitted to the psychiatric hospital exactly a week ago. He should be getting discharged any day now, right? Evan hopes so. He can’t shake the desperate wish that Connor actually read his note and agrees that they should be boyfriends again. 

He knows that’s a selfish thought. Connor has a lot more to focus on than his relationship with Evan right now. Maybe Evan never should have given him that note in the first place. 

Evan is in the school library with his head down during lunch period, nursing another headache. He feels safest here because there’s always a librarian on duty, so he doesn’t have to constantly be looking over his shoulder to check for someone potentially sneaking up on him. 

He jumps out of his skin and practically sprains his neck with the speed at which he looks up when he hears the chair across from him slide against the floor. 

It’s just Jared, thankfully, and he’s sitting down across the table from Evan. 

Evan looks around. There are a lot of students here today for some reason; plenty of people to witness Jared talking to the school nerd, effectively ruining his reputation. Before Evan can question him, Jared blows out a low whistle. “You look like shit, dude. I thought you said you didn’t have the flu anymore.” 

“I don’t. I’m just… tired.” 

“You’re pale as fuck and look like you’re going to pass out.” 

“I’m fine, Jared.” 

Just then, Alana Beck and Zoe Murphy approach their table. Great. 

“Hi, Jared.” Alana says, and Evan finds himself smiling a bit despite the potential for an impending social interaction. Alana has a pleasant tone of voice; he’d always enjoyed it when she made an announcement over the loudspeaker or did a speech in class. 

Alana glances over at him. “Hello, Evan,” she greets politely, then quickly turns back to Jared. “I haven’t noticed any changes on the Google doc today. You remembered to do the reading, right?” 

“Alana, that analysis isn’t due for another two weeks.” 

“Yes, but if we don’t keep working at a steady pace we’ll fall behind. We should be finishing chapter seven by now. You know this, because we wrote it down on our project timeline.” 

“ _You_ wrote it down on our project timeline. We didn’t even have to make one of those.” 

Evan tunes them out and instead focuses on the small smile and wave he’s getting from Zoe Murphy. He manages to smile and wave back, relieved she apparently doesn’t hate him. 

“How are you doing, Evan?” Zoe asks in a soft voice, coming over to stand by him. 

Evan’s heart hammers in his chest. He doesn’t know what she means by that. Is she asking about how he’s dealing with the break up? Did she get wind of his cover up story about being hospitalized with the flu? Did Jared tell her about how he got the shit kicked out of him, since gossiping to each other is apparently a thing they do now? What if Connor talked to her and told her Evan had been hospitalized too? Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

Maybe she reads the panic on his face, because she quickly clarifies, “I’m just asking because you look a little pale.” 

“I just told him the same thing!” Jared interjects, probably thrilled for an excuse to end his conversation with Alana. 

“Are you feeling sick again, Evan? Jared told us you’re recovering from the flu,” Alana says. 

Jesus Christ. “I’m fine. Just a headache, that’s all.” 

“Are you drinking enough fluids? You should always make it a point to stay hydrated, but especially now since you’ve been sick recently.” She reaches around to her backpack and pulls out a water bottle and slides it across the table to him. “You can have that. I have at least four more in my locker.” 

Evan’s face burns. “Thanks,” he says, despite the fact that he’s obviously not going to drink it. 

“I think I have some Advil,” Zoe chimes in. She sits down next to Evan and starts rummaging through her bag, while Alana follows suit and sits next to Jared so she can resume their previous conversation, much to Jared’s obvious disdain. 

Zoe produces the Advil, dropping the pills in Evan’s automatically outstretched hand. He dry swallows them, which causes Zoe to raise an eyebrow but thankfully, blessedly, she does not mention it. 

“Thanks,” he mumbles. 

“Anytime.” 

Evan feels a tight twist of nerves in his gut. He knows the socially acceptable thing to do right now would be to engage Zoe in small talk, especially since Jared and Alana are currently knee-deep in a heated debate about the religious symbolism present in Frankenstein, but he literally cannot think of a topic to bring up other than Connor. 

He’s not supposed to know that Connor had attempted suicide and was admitted to the psych ward, so he can’t ask her about when he’ll get discharged. Then again, Evan still isn’t sure if Zoe knows the truth about his own hospitalization. He doesn’t really believe that Connor would tell her that they saw each other there. That’s a betrayal of trust that Evan just doesn’t think Connor is capable of. 

She interrupts the noise in his head and spares him mercifully. “Connor is doing okay, just in case you were wondering.” 

“Oh… that’s. Good.” 

“He probably won’t be back in school for a least a month, though. Broken ribs take a while to heal. He’ll be doing a lot of work from home so he doesn’t fall behind.” 

There’s an edge to her voice. Her eyebrows have knitted together. There’s something bubbling beneath the surface and Zoe doesn’t seem like the type to hold back for very long. 

He’s right. “Do you know what the hell he was doing that night?” she bursts out, voice raised. “Why he got into that fight?” She’s clearly angry. “I mean, I know he gets into fights all the time. He’s a fucking idiot, but I didn’t think he was dumb enough to take on three guys at once. There had to be a reason.” She pauses and then rolls her eyes dramatically. “Plus there was that whole thing with him getting expelled because he was supposedly doing other people’s homework for a profit, which I don’t believe for a fucking second.” 

Evan swallows and tries to think of something to say, but Zoe just keeps on going. “He was so out of it that night in the hospital that we couldn’t get any real answers out of him except the thing about… you know. You two. But I just feel like there’s something else going on and I want to get to the bottom of it.” 

“I… I-I honestly don’t know.” 

“How can you not know?!” she almost shouts, but quickly checks her voice and lowers it into a conspiratorial whisper. “I mean. You were his boyfriend at the time. Surely he told you something? Did he owe them drug money or something?” 

Evan thinks quickly, despite the undercurrent of panic he’s beginning to feel. There really isn’t any point in lying about this. Evan would much rather the Murphys know the the truth, that Connor was simply defending his boyfriend in an act of nobility, rather than letting them believe that this was something drug or otherwise crime-related. 

Plus, Connor had attempted suicide right after that whole ordeal. His family is probably extremely confused and worried and it hurts Evan’s heart to think about them going through that. Especially since he knows Connor isn’t likely to open up to them any more than he already has. 

“I…” Evan sighs. “The homework thing was me. I’d been doing it for like two years and it got out of control and the principal wanted names so Connor took the fall for me. I begged him not to but he did it anyway.” 

“I was behind it, too!” Jared chirps proudly. “I did all the logistics and transactional stuff. I also took orders and ran the Facebook page. That’s why I was suspended for a week.” 

“Okay…” Zoe says, sounding unimpressed. “But that still doesn’t explain the fight.” 

Evan bites his lip and prepares himself for this story. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I get bullied a lot. Like, physically. When Connor and I started hanging out, it pretty much stopped because people are so intimidated by him. Plus, he never hesitated to throw a punch or get physical if the situation called for it. He was really protective of me. But then he got expelled and I was in the bathroom alone one day and I got the shit kicked out of me.” He takes a shaky breath; it’s really hard for him to talk about this, plus all three of them are listening to him now and it’s unnerving. “I told Connor about it and he got angry and went to go fight the people responsible, but it was three against one and they had bats, so…” Evan trails off. 

“Oh my god, Evan,” Zoe says sympathetically. “I had no idea you were going through that. I’m so, so sorry.” 

“It’s okay.” 

“It’s really not.” They all look to Alana, who had spoken firmly and with anger despite the obvious tears in her eyes. “This school has a bullying problem and nobody is doing anything about it. I won’t stand for that. We need to raise awareness! We should start a club, a safe space.” Her words are picking up speed and she’s starting to sound a bit manic. “We could have an assembly, I could make posters or maybe we can have an entire week devoted to an anti-bullying campaign. We need to do _something._ ” 

She takes a breath and looks like she’s about to continue her rant until Zoe reaches across the table and gently takes ahold of her arm. Alana physically melts at the touch and it’s like Zoe had pressed her off-switch. “One thing at a time, Lana,” Zoe says soothingly. “Let’s just focus on Evan for right now, okay?” 

“Right. Speaking of which, you haven’t touched your water, Evan. Don’t you remember what I said about keeping hydrated?” 

Evan’s can feel his face heating up again, but he’s already bared his soul so he decides to just come clean about this, too. “If I do that, I’ll need to go to the bathroom, and I don’t really want to go in there after what happened.” 

Evan’s not making eye contact with any of them, but he can feel as well as hear their stunned silence. Jared, who’d been mostly quiet up until now, is the first to speak. “Fuck, dude.” 

“That’s so unhealthy, Evan. Really.” Zoe says, sounding sad. “Your poor kidneys. Drink the water. We’ll help you, right guys?” 

Alana and Jared nod in succession. “We have a lot of the same classes, Evan,” Alana pipes up. “We’ll use the buddy system, it’s very effective. I’ll escort you in the hallways and if you need the bathroom I’ll keep people from entering by telling them there’s a backed up drain or something. I am a hall monitor and can be very intimidating when needed.” 

That causes Evan to smile a bit, and it feels like a little bit of weight has been lifted off his shoulders. And not a moment too soon, too, because he really was thirsty. 

“Thanks, Alana,” Evan says as he uncaps the bottle and takes the first drink of water he’s had since last night. 

“I’ll help too,” Jared says, surprising Evan. “I won’t let anyone fuck with you, man.” 

“Me either,” Zoe says, laying a gentle hand on Evan’s shoulder. “It’ll be okay, Evan.” 

Evan feels himself grin, and it might be his first genuine smile since before the morning he got that call about Connor. 

“Thanks, guys. That means a lot to me.” 

It really, really does. Because this? This feels like having friends. And having friends is something that Evan had both needed and wanted for a very long time. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: discussion of suicide attempt/suicidal thoughts

Two days later, a Saturday, Evan receives the text he’d been so desperately wishing for. 

**[Connor]:** hey, i got discharged yesterday. i’m still bedridden but would you wanna come over maybe? 

**[Connor]:** whole fam is here tho just a warning 

Evan’s heart fucking sings. He’s so relieved that he almost cries, until the fear that Connor is just inviting Evan over to yell at him or tell him they’re over permanently grips his throat and chokes him for a second. He really hopes that’s not what he’s heading in to, but Connor’s text had seemed civil enough and deep in his gut, Evan has a good feeling about this. 

Besides, whatever happens, Evan is just happy that Connor wants to see and talk to him. That’s a start, and it’s all he can really ask for right now. 

The fact that the Murphy’s are home is a bit off-putting, but at least he feels pretty comfortable with Zoe now. Connor’s parents are nice enough, but Evan is just… nervous around them, for whatever reason. 

It’s fine. Everything will be fine. Evan would do anything to see Connor right now and the obstacle of potentially awkward interactions with the Murphys is a small price to pay. 

**[Evan]:** Sure. I’ll walk over now. 

Evan throws on his beat up sneakers, grabs his headphones and leaves the house. It’s a fairly nice day out and Connor doesn’t live far. Plus, the walk will give him some time to think about what he actually wants to say to Connor. He mostly said it all in the note though, so maybe Evan should just let Connor do most of the talking. He hasn’t really had a chance to express his feelings about this situation at all yet. 

A half hour later, he’s standing on the Murphy’s doorstep. He steals himself and knocks, maybe a bit too quietly, but he soon hears movement from within the house and before he knows it, Cynthia Murphy is opening the door and grinning at him. 

“Hi, Evan! Come in,” she says in her sweet tone of voice. She steps to the side and Evan enters the house, realizing he’s shaking just a bit. “Hi, Mrs. Murphy,” he squeaks, barely managing not to stammer. 

“Connor told me you might stop over. He’s in his room, I’ll walk you up.” 

Evan follows her as she walks through the house, his breath picking up a bit. He tries to ground himself by grabbing at the edge of his hoodie, and it works a little bit. He just barely realizes Cynthia is talking to him. 

“How have you been, dear? How’s school?” 

School is one of the most innocuous topics she could have brought up, and he’s grateful. Especially because he knows Cynthia is just referring to the academic aspect. “It’s going well. I have a few exams coming up but I feel pretty prepared.” 

“That’s great, dear.” 

They’re in front of Connor’s room now. She knocks softly but doesn’t wait for a response before opening the door a crack and peeking in. 

“Honey, Evan is here.” 

“‘Kay mom, thanks. You can go now.” 

Cynthia doesn’t even seem fazed. She opens the door all the way and reveals a Connor who looks a lot better than the last time Evan had seen him. The bruises on his face have begun to fade and his hair looks washed and he’s propped up in bed. There’s a book in his lap. He looks… content. 

“Call if you need anything boys, I’ll be right downstairs.” 

With that, they’re left alone. Evan rocks on the spot awkwardly, trying to figure out a good opening line. 

Connor beats him to it. “You can come over here and sit if you want.” 

Evan nods. That’s a good sign. He quickly makes his way across the room and sits gingerly on the edge of Connor’s bed, trying to jostle him as little as possible. “How are you doing?” He asks. 

Connor shrugs. “My ribs hurt like a fucking bitch and my parents won’t leave me alone, but I’m alright, all things considered.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be, it’s fine.” 

Evan takes a deep breath. Should they continue with the polite small talk or should they just get it over with and tackle the big pink elephant in the room? He really doesn’t know. 

They’re silent for a few moments before Evan can’t take it anymore. “Did you read my note?” 

Connor fixes him with a blank stare. Evan’s anxiety ratchets up to level 100 until Connor smiles at him a little. “Yeah.” 

Evan swallows, but stays silent. 

Connor shifts a little, then reaches behind his pillow. The movement obviously causes him pain because he winces hard, but soon he pulls out a few familiar looking pieces of paper and settles back to his original position. 

It’s Evan’s note. Well, notes, technically. 

Connor unfolds them and looks at them thoughtfully, eyes raking over like he’s reading them again. 

“So, you told the school?” Connor asks eventually. 

Evan nods. “I don’t know if you know this, but you’re not expelled anymore.” 

“My mom got a call. She told me. What did they do to you?” 

“Two week’s detention.” 

Connor looks surprised. “That’s it?” 

“Yeah.” 

Connors huffs. “I guess that makes sense. You’ve never really been in trouble before.” 

Evan nods. “I feel like I deserve worse.” 

He looks up at Connor who’s scrunching his eyebrows. “What you did wasn’t _that_ bad, Evan.” 

“I let you take fall for me.” 

“No you didn’t! You asked me not to and then, when I did it anyway, you went and told the truth. I’m the one who fucked up. I don’t regret trying to fight those assholes because what they did was horrible and they fucking deserved it, but if you didn’t want me to I shouldn’t have done it.” 

Is this it? Is this the part where they talk about what went wrong? Evan’s nervous, but he feels ready. 

When Evan doesn’t say anything, Connor continues. “It was a dick move. I was trying to protect you Evan, but clearly that didn’t work.” 

Evan feels himself lift an eyebrow in confusion. “What do you mean?” 

“You ended up in the psych ward because of me.” 

Evan can feel buzzing in his ears and his whole stomach drops. Does Connor really think that? 

“Connor, that’s not- no, you didn’t.” Evan can’t seem to articulate what he wants to say in his haste to correct Connor. 

“I’m bad for you in the same way you think you’re bad for me. Even though, you know… you’re not.” 

“Well _you’re_ not bad for me either! God, now I know how stupid I sounded.” 

Connor doesn’t say anything, just looks down and fiddles with a folded page in the book on his lap. 

“Connor, listen,” Evan starts. “We both made mistakes. You gotta admit, this whole thing was intense, and it happened really fast. Plus we’re young, and we’re still stuck in that shitty school. It was never going to be the perfect relationship.” 

Connor doesn’t respond, so Evan continues. “But that’s okay, because no relationship is perfect. We just need to work on communicating with each other better. And therapy, we should both definitely go to therapy.” 

Connor nods. “Therapy wasn’t too bad in the hospital. I talked about you a lot.” 

“I talked about you to my therapist, too.” 

Connor hums. “I wonder if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.” 

Evan smiles and shrugs. “I don’t know.” 

A thought occurs to Evan. “Wait. Are your parents still against the whole therapy and medication thing?” 

“Nope,” Connor says immediately. “I think this was the wake-up call they needed. The doctors put me on an antidepressant at the hospital that I’m still taking and my parents are letting me continue with he therapist I had in the hospital. She has outpatient hours and I got along with her pretty well, so yeah.” 

Evan huffs out a breath of relief. “That’s amazing, Connor. I’m so happy to hear that.” 

“Yeah, we’ll see.” 

An awkward silence follows, until finally, “I love you, Evan.” 

“I love you, too. Connor. So much.” 

“Come here.” 

Evan surveys Connor’s bed. There’s a small space that he thinks he’ll fit into if he lays on his side, but he doesn’t want to hurt Connor. 

Connor apparently senses the reason for his hesitation. “You won’t hurt me, Ev.” He slowly reaches out an arm and drapes it over the top of the pillow next to him, inviting Evan in. 

He can’t resist. He gingerly, carefully, lays down next to Connor, who wraps his arm around Evan’s shoulders and pulls him in just a bit closer. “Much better.” 

Evan can feel himself melting into the bedsheets at Connor’s touch. He’s missed this so much. 

They’re quiet for a while, just enjoying each other’s company after having been separated for what felt like far too long. The air in the room is heavy and thick, though. They’re both obviously doing a lot of thinking. 

Connor is the one to break it. “I just wish I could protect you from all the shittiness in this world because you don’t deserve any of it, Ev. I feel like if there was anything I could do to make your world a little bit little easier, I’d do it in a heartbeart.” 

“But you can’t protect me from everything all of the time. That’s why you were teaching me to defend myself, remember?” 

Connor sighs and nods. “I guess that’s true. Which reminds me, as soon as I’m healed, we’re going to practice a lot more. Self defense is so much more than just being able to throw a punch.” 

Evan zones out for a moment. Connor’s words… _we’re going to practice a lot more._ Does that mean he still wants to be around Evan? After everything?” 

He can’t let it slide. “Does that mean…?” Evan hopes Connor will know what he’s implying. It was written right there in the note. 

“Yeah. I wouldn’t mind giving us another try.” 

Evan beams, wrapping his arms around Connor’s bicep and hugging it, then popping up and planting a quick kiss on his lips. Connor reaches over and doesn’t let him pull away; just gently presses on the back of Evan’s neck until their lips meet again, kissing him deeply. 

Evan would love to just throw caution to the wind and start full-on making out with Connor, but Connor is injured and Evan won’t risk hurting him. So they kiss chastely for a while instead, pulling away every few minutes to plant pecks on each other’s cheeks or noses. 

They stop eventually to opt for cuddling, Evan filled with that warm and fuzzy safe feeling that he’d grown to miss so much. 

There’s one thing that’s floating above them, though. And it’s something that Evan knows he needs to address. 

“I didn’t end up in the psych ward because of what happened between us,” Evan tells him. “It was a catalyst, maybe, but I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings for way longer than you’ve been in my life. I was just so overwhelmed with everything happening all at once and killing myself felt like the only option.” 

Connor nods, then looks down and shrugs. “You were the only good thing in my life. The thought of losing you was so unbearable and I didn’t wan’t to live my life anymore if you weren’t in it.” 

“Do you still feel like that?” Evan wants to know. “Because it’s super unhealthy and I don’t want this to be the only thing that’s keeping you here, Connor. You have so much to live for. 

Connor shrugs again. “I think I'm starting to believe that. But. It’s hard.” 

“I know.” 

“Do you still feel like... you know?” 

Evan gets what he means. “The hospital and therapy helped. Plus they changed my meds, but those take a while to work so the jury is still kind of out, but no. I don't feel like that right now. ” 

"Good. ” 

"I have a lot of crap to figure out, though. ” 

“Me too. We can figure it out together?” Connor suggests. It’s phrased like a question, but there is a strong resolution behind his words. 

Evan looks over at Connor’s face. It’s soft and beautiful despite the bruises and his bright blue eyes are boring into Evan’s. There’s a connection there that’s special, and it’s something Evan has only ever felt when he’s around Connor. This is good. It feels right. 

“Sounds like a plan… Stan.” 

Connor huffs out a tiny chuckle, obviously trying to hold back a little so as not to jostle his ribs too much. “Oh my god. I’ve missed you so much.” 

Evan leans over and kisses the edge of Connor’s mouth. “I’ve missed you, too.” 


End file.
